Congratulations

My little sister graduated high school today.

I'm all teary-eyed just typing that up.

Growing up, my sister and I never really had the best of relationships. I'd bully her, and she'd retaliate; it was more often than not a tumultuous whirlwind of pulled hair and name calling and crescent-shaped scars where nails dug into skin. But for every shouting match, there were two more instances of laughing about the stupidest things, or playing with Hot Wheels and Legos, or constructing a fort of pillows and blankets and stuffed bears in the narrow space that separated the twin beds in our shared room.

Our home-life has never been the best, and as middle child, my sister often bore the brunt of that. She's getting help now, for which I am so grateful, but I can't help but wonder sometimes about what would have happened if I had tried harder, if I had been a better sister and stuck up for her more, called my parents out for playing favorites. I know it's not my fault, but sometimes I can't help but feel that it is. I look at her arms, all riddled with pink scars and I can't help but feel that each one is a result of something I could have prevented.

Growing up was tough, needless to say. But as we got older, we've also gotten much closer. I also find it a mark of irony that, just like me two years ago, she didn't even know if she was going to end up graduating.

But she made it! And I am so happy and proud and relieved and a bunch of other things I can't even describe right now.

I'm also bawling my eyes out.

I don't even know if she'll ever read this. But I'm gonna say this anyway:

Jessica, I love you so much and I'm so glad you're my sister. Kick some ass and take names in college and beyond.

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Double post, but I just realized...

That it's been a year since Prom today.

Sure, there are plenty of things I could have done differently, plenty of things I would want to change if I were able to--but in my mind, no matter all the drama that was or wasn't my fault, I'll still remember it as a great time. Frustrating, yes. Awkward, definitely. But still great.

And you know what? I think I'm good with it.

Finally.

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Summer Skin

Hello, blog. It's been a while.

Granted, not as long as some of the other times before, when I fell off the face of the planet for a few months. Well, here I am, picking this thing up like an old book, finding the place where I left off, and beginning again.

Summer has officially begun, and I've got the sunburns to prove it. Maya calls them sexy. I say, not so much. Me and Morgan went to Texas with our Girl Scout troop, and we hung out at the beach. Yeah. We went to Texas to go to the beach. How awesome are we? ^_^ Pictures here.

The high school prom is tomorrow. I think Jessica is going to a certain "de-Prom" with some mutual friends of ours, but I shall be alone with my thoughts. Sometimes I wish there was an off button for my brain.

I'm also starting to regret not working at camp this summer. I miss it. I need to get up to the mountains this summer, preferrably more than once. And Alaska doesn't count. But I will no doubt love the awesome moutains in Alaska; we're going to visit Denali National Park before we go on our cruise. Yay, caribou and grizzly bears! =)

I'm not sure what else to say. I feel kind of listless and irritable, it's been like this for the past week. I'm not sure what's up.

Well, whatever. Til later, then.

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I have chem lab homework

And you know what? I don't care.

Also? I hate people. And a lot of things. Like knowing when prom is this year. High school, please, please, please, PLEASE leave me alone. Please. I'm begging here.

And I don't beg.

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"Yes, my ultimate goal in life is to pet urine."

......Yeah.... don't ask.

Bleh. Okay, where do I even start? Well, I skipped my chem class because I was so stressed out about my Humanities final. Which turned out to be a friggen breeze. Then I went to the high school to watch the chamber orchestra perform, and that was nice; one of the conversations I had is where that lovely quote that makes up the title is from. Of course, guess who snuck up behind me when I was saying that? Oh, yeah. Him. A tad mortifying, but definitely hilarious. Gosh, I miss those high school kids. <3

So, everything was building and building for my big moment tonight. Including my nerves and stress level. And then, less than ten minutes before we're about to leave, Jessica pops into the bathroom where I'm fixing my hair and is like, "I'm debating whether I should tell you something or not."

So, of course, I was confused. "You can tell me something," I said.

"Okay. ...He doesn't like you. Just as friends."

By this point, I'm just like WTF? "And how do you know this?"

"That's what he said, on Monday."

"....And why am I just hearing about this now?"

"I didn't want you to get hurt, you seemed so happy on Monday from spending like an hour outside with him."

"Twenty minutes. ...What exactly did you say? When was this conversation?"

"In his car on the way home, I don't remember exactly what was said. You just came up in conversation a lot, since you're like one of the few things that connects us. So I asked him, 'Do you like her?' and he looked at me funny and said 'Just as friends, nothing more.'"

"Oh."

"I wouldn't have told you if I didn't think he was telling the truth. Are you mad at me?"

"Well, thanks for saving my friggen butt."

"...You're welcome?"

And that was that.

So of course I was all suuuuuper happy and relieved because all the nerves went away, and it was okay for the first half of the concert (the three other high schools were performing as well, and there were two groups ahead of mine); but once they all got up there, and I saw him.... I got all fidgety and I didn't want to make eye contact with him. I didn't want to look at him, but of course I watched him a lot during the whole thing, I couldn't help it. All of the happiness just sort of got sucked away, and though the relief was still there, it was just... meh.

Now I've got to work on getting over him... and I've forgotten how difficult it is. I haven't had to do it in a long time; over a year. *sigh*

Well, at least I found out before I made things all awkward. I guess that's a plus.

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The Dentist is the spawn of Satan...

Yeah. Dentist visit this afternoon. *shudders*

It rained again today, only it was more expected, rather than last Thursday's storm. I didn't mind so much, but maybe I got all the bad vibes out of my system yesterday. Yesterday was just not a very good day for the first half, I woke up in a bad mood and stayed that way until after I got back home. I even skipped both of my classes; I just didn't want to be there at all. It was all overcast yesterday and I was reading this book and it got really intense and I just wandered around campus until it was time for me to call my dad to get picked up again. Several times I wanted to just burst into tears for no reason at all, but I decided to hold it in til I got home--I made up my mind to take a nice long walk and sort everything out.

Which I did. It was very peculiar; I got home and the skies started clearing up, but for some reason looking up at the patch of blue made me want to just lose it right there in the middle of the street. I had meant to go to the local neighborhood park and just sit on the swings like I did the last time I needed to take a walk--back in January, the day Tiina died. But I missed the street the shortcut was on, but by the time I realized it I didn't want to turn back, so I just headed into the hills instead, wandering on some trails.

Mind you, though I'm parked in the middle of suburbia, there are still these patches of wild left here and there, and I stumbled across one on my walk through the neighborhood. Feeling a little better in spirits and much like the main character in Pride and Prejudice, I just went for it, not quite sure where I was going.

I liked it that way. I explored for a bit, just following the trail wherever it lead; at one point I climbed to the top of a hill and was able to see the whole neighborhood for a good distance. By that point the clouds were less frequent, and I was feeling so much better. Standing up there alone, just looking at it all with the wind in my face was so refreshing, and it was like something melted off of my shoulders for a while. After staying up there for a few more minutes, I decided to head back home, decidedly better.

After reflecting, it's just moments like this that make me convinced that things are starting to get better. I've also started talking again with this guy I knew in high school that I liked for literally years--it feels good to be talking to him again, even if it is only online. I don't know, I just think it's what I've been looking for recently, a way to consolidate the past with the present, if that makes any sense.

...Ugh. I still smell like dentist office...

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Surviving =)

Hello one and all, I am back in business. I actually managed to survive Singles Awareness Day, even though this random freak winter storm came only on that day with a bunch of rain (I'm convinced the rain gods and Cupid are in cahoots...); it was actually quite pleasant afterwards, eating soup and watching the recent release of Pride and Prejudice all afternoon (I can't get enough of that story) before going to the musical at the high school and getting in for free because I am just that awesome. ^_^ Even though I sort of crashed towards the end heading into the later hours of the night, all in all it wasn't as bad as I supposed it to be. I did have these random chronic stomachaches on Wednesday and Thursday, and I still don't know where they came from or what caused them, but they've disappeared as of now, so...

This four day weekend flew by! I had so much fun today, driving around with Maya and taking random pictures of everything; I don't really want to go back to school for the rest of the week, and of course it's not fair at all that my brother and sister have all the rest of the week off for President's Day... *grumble*

All in all, things are still on the slow but steady incline I was talking about. Of course I have down moments--who doesn't? But I can't help but feel a little less emo now. Then again, all on Saturday when we went to see the musical again I couldn't help getting massively anxious that I might run into Nick... I did get to see Sean, though, so that was definitely a nice trade off. Plus seeing all my family, including my cute little niece (my cousin's kid), because of my grandparent's 50th anniversary dinner. It blows my mind how anyone could stay together that long, but I suppose it's possible if you try hard enough, which is what I was talking to Morgan about last night during a rather enjoyable IM conversation about different aspects of "love".

Still, I have yet to survive an upcoming orch concert, slated for next Wednesday... we'll see how that goes. I'm not even sure what I'm going to say to him. Ah well, I suppose I work best on impulse...

Til next time, then.

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Exhausted

No entry yesterday, I didn't really even go on the computer at all. Morgan was over for several hours, it was quite glorious; we watched that movie, "Batman Begins" for the first time yesterday... honestly, not bad at all for a comic book movie. The best one I've seen yet, really, and I'm not really into the superhero scene.

Anyway, I'm SO tired; I went up to camp to help out at an encampment, and ended up singing for 4 hours. It's a wonder I still have a voice, really.

A bit angsty because of the winter formal that's going on at the high school right now (memories and futile dreams, how you plague me), but I'm trying not to think about it so much right now. It's easier now that Jessica's actually left for it, I was really bitchy earlier, partly because she was going to borrow maybe my favorite formal dress ever (a floor-length, flowy dark blue dress, it's gorgeous). But she ended up wearing something else at the last minute, so I guess it's all good.

I don't know what it is, really, but I just keep having this bad feeling that I'm going to hear something about Nick later, like he was at the dance with someone or something. A part of me refuses even to contemplate it, rejects it as absurd and just goes on sighing, but is it really so absurd? And it's frightening, because even at the mere half-formed thought I fear I'm terribly jealous. I think it might have something to do with my most recent dream featuring him that I can remember (there have probably been more, but this is the one that really stood out to me). The dream itself was simple enough--I went with him to his prom--but it was by far the most realistic-feeling of the bunch. And just the thought of him being with someone else honestly turns my stomach. I know it's wrong to be thinking like this, I'm not even remotely entitled to be feeling like this, I have no claim, and yet at the same time, I don't think there's any other possible way for me to react to that sort of news.

To make the apprehension of the hour even worse? Maya told me that an old attraction of hers (also named Nick, also formerly in orch with her) is now dating someone. Sign? Gods, I hope not.

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Blog Revamp

Happy New Year, readers! If I've got any, that is, ha. I know I like to drop off the face of the earth for a couple of months and not post anything, but I'm still trying to get used to keeping a regular journal-thing like this... December was going well, but... meh. Now's as good a time as any to start again.

I must say that things have been up and down. School's started up again, so that keeps me somewhat busy. Recently, though, times have been especially hard to deal with; one of my dear forum-buddies Tiina passed away two weeks ago (on a Wednesday, no less. And you thought I was cursed before?), and I'm just worried about my lovely "clone" Maya, who's been dealing with major homesickness and a lot of other emotionally-stressful things. That, and my brain's just come out of some sort of numbing, apathetic hibernation period, and I think yesterday was the overload point; I was in a horrible mood all day, very brooding and somewhat anti-social, ended up crying myself to sleep because I think my emotional-mental capacity just snapped. It's weird when you cry and you can feel what's wrong, but there are so many things floating around in that category that you can't pinpoint an exact reason. ...Man, I hate Wednesdays.

Some good news, though. My nostalgia for high school is slowly diminishing; I think it might have something to do with the fact that I had originally signed up to play for the high school's musical this spring ("The Music Man", ugh.) because they needed more violinists, but I just couldn't really take being there. I was jumpy and paranoid about accidentally crossing paths with Nick (which almost happened on the first day, argh), not to mention nervous and stressing about the music and not having played in months... yeah. Needless to say, I dropped when I had the chance, and since then I've been better when it comes to the subject of high school. There are low points, of course, but I like to think of myself as slowly improving. The same with orchestra, but that process is going much slower.

Anyway, that's my entry for today, I've got to get to class. Let's see if I'm actually able to keep this up. =)

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Skipping Class. Again.

...I should probably stop doing that...

Anyway, today is Monday. Sarcastic 'huzzah', right? Wrong! Why, you may ask? There's another orchestra rehearsal tonight!

And no, I'm not going just to see him, but that does play a part, obviously. The simple fact of the matter is: I miss orchestra. That's it. Really.

I think the whole transition from high school to college was rough for a number of reasons. I miss the constant security in knowing that I'm returning to a place with such great memories for another great year (no matter how much the construction sucks). I miss my friends, I miss the social life. Now, when I say that, I'm not insinuating I'm a hardcore partier or anything like that, because that is so far from the truth it is laughable. What I'm talking about are the more simple social pleasures: eating lunch by the bandroom (practically living in the band room...), waving at people in the hall, knowing at least one other kid in your chem class. And orchestra was a part of all that.

I was talking to my friend Katelin, who was also in orchestra with me, and I was telling her about my "orchestra withdrawals". She sympathized with me, of course, but she said that she takes care of those by actually playing with her University's orchestra. Now, she's absolutely amazing when it comes to the violin, even moreso on the piano: it just makes sense for her to continue playing in a setting like that, especially when auditions are mandatory for admittance. Me, however... well, let's just say that I've never really been one of the best. I think the only time I was ever in the first row was in 8th grade when I decided to switch to cello because no one else would. I could sign up to play with one of the community orchestras, sure; but I wouldn't be able to make it, I know it. Plus, it's really not the same thing; meeting once a week, or maybe every two weeks, going over the material, and going your own way until next time. And, while playing is great, I don't think playing my instrument in an ensemble is the only thing I'm looking for.

I want the same atmosphere of it all, which I know I'm never going to get again. And that's hard. Since my fifth grade year, when I transferred into the public school system after attending a small, conservative private school for 5 years, orchestra has really been the only norm in my ever-shifting life. Friends come and go, school years pass, we grow older; but orchestra was one of the only constants in my life, and I think I clung to that. Only when I was forced to give it all up did I realize what exactly it meant for me to be a part of that.

And, once again, that's difficult to come to terms with.

It's not like I can consciously change anything about the way I'm feeling; all of this is nothing more than a product of change, of moving on, with no responsibility on my part (unlike other things....). And, for a while at least, it will be difficult to let go. But it has gotten better, especially since last Monday when I first went to visit. The warmth and security I experienced afterwards reminded me of falling into the arms of a close friend one hasn't seen in years, and I liked that. And seeing Nick didn't hurt much, either. o_~

I think the only thing I'm looking for with everything I've been experiencing is security. I'm generally a creature of habit, though I do appreciate a healthy dose of spontaneity and randomness now and again. And, though the past few months have been hard, it's starting to feel like a routine again, and things are beginning to fall into place. My only hope is that it continues to improve.

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Bleh.

So, I guess I should catch you guys up. Not that I know about anyone who reads this thing regularly, but whatever.

That Friday I was talking about... well, I was going to go visit the school to say hello to a few teachers and a lot of my friends and him... but it never happened. Amy's flight ended up getting delayed until a ridiculous time, so when she finally came home I wasn't able to see her that day because she was about to leave to go to Anaheim to watch the Arcadia band tourney with Sean and his girlfriend. Add a bunch of other stressors, like the fact that one of my online buddies was scheduled to go into surgery that day to remove a tumor from close to her brain... and you have one hell of an angsty day. I think the only good part was going to the mall for Eurydice's birthday and the subsequent sleepover; being with other people helped a lot. Plus, there were these two streakers at the mall, that was pretty amusing. ^_^

I did go to the orchestra rehearsal on Monday to see him, that was nice; I felt so uncharacteristically fluffy afterwards, it was almost disgusting. And I saw him again at the choir concert last night (they do Handel's Hallelujah Chorus every year, and some of the orchestra people help out), but I'll get to that later...

First, though, I need to get something out into the open, because I realized last night that I haven't been exactly truthful with myself and other people about this entire thing. I guess you could say that for roughly a year, I've been living a lie and wasting my valuable time; which isn't exactly a comforting thought, as you can imagine. So, y'all get to finally know his name.

His name is Nick; he's a Senior this year, and he's in orchestra (obviously). *gasps ensue from Zatarra and Eurydice and anyone else who witnessed last year at all...*

I've identified many reasons why I have so much trouble admitting to this, though there are two major ones that stick out from the rest. First, is that I've only recently come to terms with it (even though it's been almost a year, yes); even now, I don't quite know what I want yet: mere closure, or something else. On some deeper level, I would like all of this to work out, but the way things are going, I very much doubt anything along that vein is going to happen. Secondly--and I know I'm being a shallow jerk when I say this, trust me, I know--is that I was embarrassed by my feelings for him, my interactions with him. For the last three months of last school year, I was an unmigitated bitch to him--mostly because I was bitter, but I'll save that story for another day. He's arrogant, gives the impression that he's not the brightest crayon in the box, and a bit of a jerk. And he's definitely not the most good-looking guy I've ever seen or liked before, so I guess for a while (early on, anyway) I considered him a step down. But because of the way I treated him, and the things I said in front of others, I unintentionally created a double standard, which is where the whole living a lie thing comes into play. How would I explain if I was suddenly nice to him again? How would other people perceive me if they saw me with him? Before all of this, I had liked to think myself as apathetic to what "other people" thought of me, and to a large extent, I was. I did some pretty odd things in the halls with my friends that illicited some strange looks, but did I care? Hell no, I was a Senior. But I had never before considered that "other people" would include some (okay, most...) of my friends, even some of my closest. For the longest time, only one other person besides myself was aware of what I was dealing with in the emotional sphere, which is definitely odd, because I had at least four friends at the time that I talk about this sort of thing with (that number has grown since then).

So, why am I so attracted to him if he is quite possibly the furthest thing from what I am looking for in a guy? To be honest, I have no idea. With all the other guys I have ever liked, I've always been able to identify at least one aspect of them that attracted me the most. Maybe they were nice to me when other boys were not, or were hilariously funny; maybe they were extremely good-looking, or had some measure of intellegence. Maybe they had a beautiful personality. For the life of me, though, I can't figure it out when it comes to Nick. I think on some deep, biological, dawn-of-human-existence level, the sheer physicality of him is what attracts me, at least in part; he's quite strong, which he tends to brag about a lot, but I've seen enough to know that he generally isn't overexaggerating about that. He can be very nice, and on occasion I get the feeling that he knows more than what he usually lets on.

He intrigues me.

And he plays an instrument--two, actually--which for me is always a plus; he even told me on Monday that for his Senior Project he was planning on composing a piece for Chamber Orchestra. He writes music...

I daresay this is all starting to remind me of Phantom of the Opera.

I'm just so unsure how to interact with him, what to say... I've been trying to drop hints, but I just don't think he gets it at all. I might ultimately have to be straightforward with him, which is something I do not excell in at all, and it gives me chills just thinking about it. And I don't want to hurt him... to quote my friend May, from the looks of it, "it doesn't look like he's had any female interaction before." Oi vey...

Well, anyway, I do plan on going to the next orch rehearsal on Monday. Why? I guess you could say it's because I am utterly hopeless and just can't seem to get over this whole mess. Or that I'm looking for closure.

But I actually think that the one real reason I am going is this: I miss him. That's why.

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Le Blah.

It's currently almost 1 a.m., and I should be going to bed... for the hell of it, though, I just felt like going on Blogger...

L.A. was fun, and interesting, remind me to talk about screaming in whispers some other time when I'll be reasonably coherent.

Oh, and on Friday, I should have more things to talk about, as I plan on visiting the high school. I am dreadfully excited and nervous at the same time; excited because I get to see Amy for the first time in literally months, nervous because... well... I'm attempting to get some sort of closure from him. At least find out what the hell his problem is and why he refuses to email me back. -_- <-- angst face. Of course, closure sounds good, yeah? Give me a chance to get over myself and him? The problem is: I'm not sure if I want to do that. It's confusing and very pathetic, maybe I'll explain later...

Til next time, then.

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For Clarity

So I was just reading through all my previous posts and realized that I never finished up about Sean... well, I've been "over it" as the expression goes, for a few months, he's dating someone now, actually... he was just a rebound sort of thing anyway, this current one has been going on for a while... no names yet, I don't feel quite comfortable sharing; he is, however, still in high school...

Yeah, sorry about that and any confusion. o_~

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...In which I bitch about life.

Wow, I haven't done this in a while.

What can I say without baring my darkest secrets for all to see? Perhaps I should start doing that, I know it'd be a heck of a lot more interesting to read about...

Haven't dropped out of Community College yet, though I have skipped once or twice (shhh...); it makes me feel adventurous, haha.

The thing I don't like about life right now is pretty much everything. I've quite honestly never felt so lost in my life. It's like I'm floating, suspended in thin air between ups and downs, though I have crashed several times (oh, have I ever...). I miss everyone, I'm more anti-social than ever, I rot my brain on the computer, and I'm still not mobile, but did finally get my driver's permit last month, huzzah...

I want to go back to high school. I miss it like mad, it's driving me absolutely nuts.

Oh, and did I mention my pathetic excuse for a love life now has me pining away over someone I haven't talked to since June and refuses to answer my emails for some unknown reason? My good friend Matt told me once that I could do so much better, and I'd honestly like to believe that, but right now, I'd be willing to go to hell and back for this guy, no matter how much I really, really, really want to beat the shit out of him for being so stupid and for making me hurt.

My emotions fluctuate from cynicism, apathy, and depression, with no end in sight; the weather and changing of the seasons isn't helping much, either.


...Someone once said that the college experience would be some of the best years of your life. Obviously, they were wrong.

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Meditations

So, it's been a while since I've done this, huh?

I've started college/uni (if you can even call it that). I have more free time than I know what to do with. I sleep more than I ever did in high school. It's rather unsettling.

Anyway, all is well, I suppose. Many of my friends have departed and gone off to college, with the exception of those (un)fortunate enough to be attending Universities of California, and I believe their term doesn't start until the end of this month.

The problem I'm having now is not really adjusting to my own set of circumstances, but to everyone else's. Living at home has kept everything rather stable for me; a regimen, if you will. Sure, I don't appreciate it, but for the moment I've got something to grasp on to. I feel a little jealous of those moving away, or even staying local but moving out; I'm not quite sure if it's all that logical to be jealous of extra responsibility and the unknown, but there you have it.

I feel sort of in limbo; not quite out of high school, not quite in college. The reason I say this is because, though I am actually physically attending college, it doesn't really feel all that different to me. The surroundings are pretty much the same; it's not a new experience at all, really.

I can't wait to move out.

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Disillusionment, Harry Potter, and Campsickness

Yay. I'm back.

Well, not really a "yay". I mean, it was awesome to get my grubby little hands on the new Harry Potter book (which is EXCELLENT, Snape is my hero)--not to mention taking an actual shower and sleeping in my own bed--but as is always the case with camp... I don't ever want to leave.

It sucks, this campsickness, it really does. I mean, with homesickness, you know you'll have to return eventually, that you will see the same people you always do once you return. However, the same does not hold true with camp. You can never be sure of when (or if) you'll be able to come back, or who you'll see again. Much like high school, I suppose, but I don't want to get started about that.

Also, things are looking a little better for my nonexistent love life in the idea that I think I am beginning to (God, I hate this phrase) "get over" Sean, who I chatted about last time, I believe. I'm not quite sure what happened, but I think my feelings are starting to relinquish their hold...not that I didn't think about him when I was away, of course I did. Especially when some of the other girls all started talking about their boyfriends...I generally like to steer clear of that sort of talk, and with good reason: I tend to be extremely bitter.

Anyway, here's a poem I wrote while I was at camp, dedicated to all my little buddies:

"Bunkmates"

Mixed up, inside out.

Not exactly sure what to

Think, feel, say.

I never want this dream to

End, this step back up and

Away from "reality", from

"Real" life. Verses slipping

From my cynical tongue,

Emotions rolling from my

Unfeeling fingers...

The first time I've written

In quite a long time. Tears

Streaming unchecked--not

Exactly composed, but it

Works--and I have

No other way to express how

I feel excepting the tight

Embrace, the watery glance,

The calls goodbye. And yet,

As we fly our separate ways

Over lands we've traveled

Together so many times in

Out two weeks that have felt

Like heaven, like complete, blissful

Eternity, I realize that though we

Might be separated, it is never quite

Goodbye.

© dark-hearted rose, 2007. All rights reserved. May not be duplicated without the express permission of author.

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Second Chances and the John Mayer Complex

So, I hate John Mayer. It's nothing personal, I don't know the guy...it's like I'm just genetically predisposed to hate him. But, my philosophy is, all true musicians deserve a chance, and he obviously is a rather good musician, since he can play some amazing guitar...

The problem: I HATE the song "Wonderland" or whatever the hell it is...you know the one I'm talking about. Anyway, to quasi-quote my friend Courtney: "Any guy who sings with an acoustic guitar is only out to get girls." Hahaha...

I keep telling my cousin, Wesley (the ultimate John Mayer fangirl, by the way...yeah, he's a guy, so what? I can call him a fangirl if I want to) that I'll give the guy's music a second chance but I don't know if I want to, really. I don't know if it's worth the effort of shattering several years of expectations and anti-John-Mayer-ism.

Which leads me (sort of) to my next topic... Yesterday, you know I said that Maya and I talked about stuff that we both really didn't feel like talking about yet? One of those things for me involves a guy named Sean...

You see, even though I'm now a high school graduate, the whole situation remains somewhat surreal. I want to move on, but at the same time, I don't want to let go of my past. I know that I won't have to actually "forget" anything (though some things are much, much better left forgotten), but when I say "let go", I mean, well...literally.

I've known this guy, Sean, for well over four years now, but only as a really good friend, nothing more. But then, everything just sort of...happened...at Grad Nite. I mean, of all freaking times to realize that I have feelings for the guy, WHY must it happen the night of our graduation? WHY did I suddenly have to find out that resting my head on his shoulder while sitting on the cold, hardwood floor of our lovely high school gymnasium at four o'clock in the morning is quite possibly the most comfortable I've ever felt with anyone of the opposite sex at any time in my life? And WHY must his hair be so damn soft? (<-- yeah, don't ask) Thus, you now understand why my life (and Maya's, as she is basically going through a number of the same things I am) is officially and irrevocably CURSED.

I guess over the whole week of graduation festivities had been building a case for him (I hung out with him a lot more than usual during those days), but I didn't quite realize it until it was too late. Well, in retrospect...perhaps the last two months of school would be a much better estimate. But, at the time, this awareness, this realization of him...it seemed very sudden. It made me feel, dare I say, giddy. Of course, that might have been the fact that it was Grad Nite, and I'd stayed up all night, but honestly, I haven't felt that way about a guy in quite a long time, so back off.

And, of course, due to the fact that I am and A-class loser and generally a self-preserving twice-bitten-always-shy kinda gal when it comes to confessing things to the opposite sex...he doesn't know anything. I haven't even seen him once this summer since Grad Nite.

I guess you could say that I'm sort of depressed about that.

The sole redeeming factor in this whole "unrequitted, too-late-realized attraction" situation: he's staying local. I mean, he's not living at home or anything like that (like I am...) he's actually moving onto a campus, but at least he'll still be in the general vicinity...perhaps a thirty minute drive from my house, given the butt-load of traffic that usually occupies the freeways nowadays. But I'm not sure if I want to...you know, tell him. I'm not sure if I want to risk our friendship like that, all the more fragile because we won't be seeing each other Monday through Friday at school anymore. Emails, phone calls, the occasional lunch outing...but other than that, nothing really. That is, if we stay friends. Just friends. But I am so unsure of myself, whether or not I actually want to persue a relationship with him, and that kills me. Just like it always does.

I guess I just have to think about it more. But I definitely know one thing: I have to see him again over the summer. More than once would be preferred, but, as the saying goes, "Beggars can't be choosers."

You know, I'm going to a wedding in, like, two hours. I hate weddings. Now, I'll hate this one even more...well, you know what I'm going to be thinking/sulking about all evening.

And I still haven't packed for camp. I guess I should go do that...

*glares at Andrea Bocelli cd I just got from the library, entitled AMOR*
*massive headdesk*

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First Post!

Cool. So, I just randomly decided to get this after taking a peek at my friend's...excellent.

Anyway, allow me to introduce myself. I'm dark-hearted rose (you didn't really think I'd use my real name, would you? too many psychopaths...and no, it doesn't make a difference that I already know quite a lot of them...), an atypical seventeen-and-a-half year old (come this Friday, the 6th). I've just graduated high school (OH-SEVEN!!), and I plan on attending community college in the fall, because I am an A-Class loser who doesn't feel comfortable leaving home yet, no matter how much I wish that I could.

I love to write. I guess you could call it my passion, but I'm beginning to suspect that it is an obsession. In fact, you can check me out on both http://www.fanfiction.net/ and http://www.fictionpress.com/ under the penname (surprise!) dark-hearted rose. I also technically have a MySpace, but I think someone hacked into my account or something, because I can't log in anymore...but I digress.

Speaking of obsessions...I am what I have termed "completely, soul-consumingly obsessed" with all things Phantom of the Opera. Yes, you read that right...Phantom of the Opera. I love the story, and for some screwed-up reason, I think it would be incredibly sexy if some skeleton-man that "smells like death" came to take me away to his sewer kingdom beneath a monolith foriegn center of entertainment. (Now do you believe me when I call myself "atypical"?) Anyway, as a result, (and a future warning) you will most likely find that I at least allude to the subject matter at least once every day. Yay me.


Anyway, I'm sort of new at this whole blogging/online diary thing, so bear with me. Almost all of my entries will be incredibly vague--as I don't share personal things easily, even with the best of friends--and I warn you that I will indefinitely rant either about guys or how much "my life sucks" because, hey...I'm still a teenager. :)

So that's basically it for now...Happy Independence Day! ...Even though I like British people more than Americans, but, again, I digress. ;P

warm regards,
dark-hearted rose

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