Milestones to failure

The past week has had more than its fair share of firsts. And they're not very good ones, either.

- Tuesday was the first time I've ever been asked to leave a class for the day. I'm taking a biology class this summer for gen ed credit at my old community college and I forgot to wear closed-toe shoes for lab (long weekends are deadly to newly-establishing habits, and I wear flip-flops everywhere. I don't have to think about it, they're extensions of my feet). It was pretty embarrassing.

- Wednesday I ended up getting a parking ticket for the first time ever. Thanks for putting up signs and then hiding them behind trees so I don't notice them for two weeks. I've never gotten any sort of driving ticket. It sucked. And now I owe the city 40 bucks.

- Friday I was driving with my friend and accidentally ran over a squirrel running across the street and almost cried. Shut up, okay? It was traumatizing. I've never killed anything bigger than a bug before. I'm sorry, squirrel! =(

I'm not sure why I felt the need to spell it all out like that, but last week was.... trying. A lot of little things added up and I'm just realizing it now, and though I wrote like a crazy person on Thursday night/extremely early Friday morning and actually managed to churn out a decent guest blog, right now it just feels like I'm not accomplishing anything and I'm just a failtastic waste of space. I know that's silly and I'm not really, but sometimes it just feels like I am.

Which isn't really encouraging the day before a big test (honestly, I don't give a crap about photosynthesis and cellular respiration, but I need this class), but I'm trying to see past that sentiment of failure. It's a little easier once I acknowledge it to move on afterward.

So here's to last week and all the suck. And here's to this week and it being that much better and productive.

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My Suitcase and I

My suitcase and I are having a standoff. I'm not really sure who's winning.

It feels like I'm wilting. At the same time, I can feel the anxiety creeping up my throat and out into the air I'm breathing.

When asked last night if I was excited to go back to school, I lied.

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My New Favorite Thing

I decided on my little excursion all over the whole of New England this past weekend that the New England town is quite possibly my new favorite thing. I mean, it's one thing to go to school in one for a few months, but it's quite another to go across all sorts of state lines and have them all be just as picturesque and lovely, if not more so.


This is Brattleboro, VT. I took this picture as we were crossing one of the bridges across the river. On the other side was New Hampshire. It was crazy. Of course, by virtue of it being Vermont, there are hardly any WalMarts in the state, so we crossed on foot to New Hampshire to get my friend more yarn for her knitting projects.

Teehee. I promise that's not my handwriting.

Driving from Maine, across New Hampshire, into Vermont, across Massachusetts, into Rhode Island, back across Massachusetts to return to Vermont, into New Hampshire again, and finally back into Maine was quite the crazy few days. And though I couldn't go home for Thanksgiving, I'm really glad I decided not to stay at school, either. I met wonderful people and had a good time, which included but was not limited to: becoming a one-year-old's new best friend, sipping homemade wine, Seinfeld Scene-It, turkey, talking til late at night, becoming the Persephone of New England with the taste of a pomegranate, and British television.

That said, I cannot wait to go back to San Diego. <3

Hope your holiday was as good as mine.

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We were in the dark

We were in the dark, I sitting, she lying in the relative silence though Glee quietly reminded my ear drums to not stop believing. She sneezed, signaling she was awake. The clock, though recently taken to playing tricks on me and resetting itself to random intervals, spelled out in primary colors that it was after twelve.

I asked how her night was. When she spoke, her voice was tinged with muffled congestion and a sort of weariness. I could relate.

'Boys are stupid.' I fell back on that time-honored response, trying to make her feel a little better.

She agreed.

She's up now, blind drawn, light from outside spilling over her side of the room. I suppose I could follow suit, feel the metal beads under my fingers as I rediscover the window hiding behind the white canvas flap, but for the moment I prefer the artificiality of my computer, lighting my face and arms and hands. The silhouette of the friendship bracelet I've been working on obscures the upper right corner of the screen, a braided and colorful reminder of summers already experienced.

It's quiet now, she's gone, and I rock back and forth in my chair as I breathe and think and wait and simply be.

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'Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?'

Poptart picnic on the floor of my dorm room, eight pages of essay printed, listening to this song on repeat, thinking of the sunrise three hours behind. Good morning.

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How I fared this past week

- Survive
- Get all my homework done
- Not get addicted to caffeine
- Talk to you as much as I can (Not nearly enough.)
- Figure out what's up with him ("Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.")
- Make a new friend
- Take more pictures
- Watch the sunrise again (Not this week, but it will happen.)

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Goals for the rest of this week

- Survive
- Get all my homework done
- Not get addicted to caffeine
- Talk to you as much as I can
- Figure out what's up with him
- Make a new friend
- Take more pictures
- Watch the sunrise again

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Occurrences

Last night I started breaking story for this episode of television I'm working on. It's not there yet, but I have arcs for the characters and I know where I want it to go.

It was hard work, but incredibly satisfying.

And sitting back against the wall with my eyes closed, thinking about things like A-story and B-story and act outs, it occurred to me that, hey, maybe I can do this.

Just like it occurred to me this weekend that I shouldn't be going to school here, I should be going to school in L.A. But that is for another time.

Now, I have to go to class.

Also, you guys, college is going to make me fat. The food here is suck. =(

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Things I learned today

- social interaction is not as difficult as I once thought it was
- painter's tape makes my posters fall off the walls
- caffeine is not a good idea past 9pm
- sometimes it is all right if you're ditched
- I miss you so much more when I'm alone.

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It's starting to hit me

Like a freight train, and all the air whooshes from my lungs under the pressure. But instead of broken bones, it's calendar pages and countdowns; slow-seeping panic, and relief, and fear, and regret, and excitement, and worry, and responsibility, and so much stress.

I have less than 30 days left in San Diego. I won't be back until December.

...Shit.

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Best Summer Ever? Possibly.

A smattering of things that have been making me happy this week, in no particular order:

- Finding out I got into University of Maine, Farmington
- Doctor Who Series One
- Swimming with my Clone in the beautiful Pacific Ocean
- Girl's night out with May and Christina, speaking frankly about things I can't talk about in polite company
- Watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone for the first time in ages with my best friend, and subsequent hilarious commentary
- Making plans for a coffee date with someone I haven't seen in almost a year
- Talking about Comic-Con
- Dark parking lots and skies full of stars

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Brag brag brag. :D

Yesterday I was feeling pretty crappy, just sitting in the library that is a giant concrete box of echoes. So I blogged about it. And then I had a meeting with my poetry professor to go over my poetry portfolio, and it was awesome because of this:

In 20 years of teaching this class, I must say you are one of the best (easily in the top 5%). Let me know if you want a letter of rec. for a teaching assistantship. That is the poetry professor in me speaking. The lit professor in me says your brutal honesty will take you to some deep areas of compassion for self and others if you refuse to look away when the intensity gets too bright.

And this:

In some of your poems, like this one, there is an amazing haunting voice. I encourage you to send your best out for publication if you want.

Awwwwww, yeah. 'Kay, done bragging. ^_^

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I know I said "pretty well" but this is what I meant

I find myself feeling despondent, nostalgic, and otherwise unmotivated recently. As you can imagine, it sucks. I can't afford to feel like this right now, and I shouldn't, but... meh. Even my writing's suffering. I haven't written in earnest in a while. It feels like I'm atrophying, creatively, socially, intellectually. It's not a good feeling. Especially with an application and a creative portfolio due soon to the school I'm hoping to transfer to. I don't even know if I am going to. Then where does that leave me? Still here. I don't want to be here. There's just too much here, both amazing and awful. Too many memories and habits. Too many familiarities. I'm all for familiarity, but I'm getting bored and complacent and so, so tired. I want out.

I'm not about to delude myself into over-romaticizing leaving San Diego. I know whatever problems I have to deal with, whatever internal processes I have, those come with me. It's not a miraculous tabula rasa; those are over-rated anyway. But a change of scenery, a change of pace, new people... I don't know. Maybe I am over-romanticizing.

I feel stuck.

But change is scary. Yeah, I know that. It really, really is. Why affect the status quo when you're nicely settled, especially if you don't have to? Why, indeed. That's something else I'm struggling with right now, and sometimes it scares me to death. I have a hard time falling asleep because my brain keeps tossing around solutions and loopholes and caveats to a deceptively simple problem. Guh. I hate relationships, romantic and otherwise. At least, I do right now. People are so complicated. So much hangs on the line.

Ugh. Sorry about the ranty. I just needed to get that out somewhere. Here is a pretty picture for your trouble. :)

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My pets need to stop dying, and other interesting statements

In the span of a little over a month, I have lost three goldfish (River, Kaylee, and Simon) and a dog (Sandi). The goldfish were only mildly disappointing, but Sandi... well, we've had her for a long time. So she was old, it was just... very unexpected. I just hope it was painless, poor thing. -sigh- Rest in peace, darling.

Long story short, my pets need to stop dying.

I have a week to finish my transfer app for Chapman. Whoever invented the Common App should be shot, is all I have to say about that.

I also have a short story due on Tuesday, and I still have no idea what to write about. It's kind of awful. But I think I work best under pressure when it comes to school assignments and things, so I'm hoping for something good in the twilight moments before my class on Tuesday. And by twilight moments, I mean Sunday and Monday. I'm not that crazy.

Lastly, I think I've stumbled upon something of an epiphany. Not anything huge, and I suppose it's pretty obvious, but sometimes it's the obvious things that are hardest to strike at.

"I honestly don't know why I feel such an obligation to make others happy, even people like E*** and B**** who are just so draining to talk to, but I'm trying. I suppose it's a whole work in progress thing. Start small and all. And I think a part of it with [my sister] is that I feel so helpless because I can't do anything, and it's eating me up. I generally don't appreciate feeling helpless, you know? But I guess it's just a matter of accepting things for how they are, and not trying to change them so desperately. Like beating your head against a wall hoping it moves at some point, I suppose. It's just kinda pointless in the long run and it hurts you really bad." - from an email I wrote to Morgan.

Like I said, obvious, but still pretty impressive, if I do say so myself.

Well, that's about it for this post. Hopefully, if all goes according to plan, the next post shall be much more entertaining. I just want to see how Maya pulls hers off, first. ^_^

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Tired.

My eyes feel like they are bruised and have permanent bags under them. No, I'm not going to check in a mirror to see if this feeling is accurate.

Yesterday was rough for the reasons that I was super tired and have bad luck. And the fact that it was Monday, and my schedule on Mondays just plain sucks. I also came to the stunning realization that I freak out if I don't have my phone on me (I left it at home, which did nothing for me but make me even more miserable and on edge), which I think is somewhat pathetic. I should probably fix this, but I don't really I want to.

It was just one of those days that makes me want to live in my room and sleep all day instead of dealing with life. I even skipped my first two classes (the first one because I was late getting to school, the second just because). It reminded me of one day last February where I sat in the library at Miramar and read Cut and then walked around outside in the cold and came close to crying until it was time to go home instead of going to my classes. (I also remember that after I got home, I went for a long walk in my neighborhood listening to a few songs on continuous loop on my iPod, and did, in fact, cry a lot for no reason. But luckily, that didn't happen yesterday, though I did come very close on a few occasions in the computer lab.)

And it wasn't even overcast yesterday, like it was on that day last year. It was sunny, and way too hot for February.

I guess the point of my writing all of this is that I'm just sick of feeling so sad and hopeless on some days that I literally don't know what to do with myself. Sure, it goes away eventually, but then what? What happens the next time? And the next? I have little to no control over it, and I don't want it to happen again, but it just seems inevitable, which I hate. A lot.

I'm just... so tired. Of everything. It feels like I'm unraveling, fraying at the edges. Like I'm walking on this tightrope, but every other step I'm in serious danger of just falling off altogether.

And it's days like this that make me want to give up, to just jump off the tightrope and hope there's a safety net waiting beneath me, but at the same time I know that I can't. Because that's taking the easy way out, and nothing truly good ever came from taking the easy way.

At least, that's what I told Jessica last week. And it doesn't hurt to abide by my own advice.

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Decisions

I figured while I was waiting for mi clase de español to start, I might as well post a little something, since I haven't in a while. This past weekend was mildly crazy, yet so worth it: camp counselor practice via a little something called "Adventure Weekends"! I'll definitely be going back next month; hopefully it won't be as crazy, we were way overbooked and had over 170 people running around with just ten of us staffing... welcome back to camp, indeed.

Oh! I also managed to scrape a pass on my driver's test last Wednesday, so I'm officially a licensed driver! Woohoo! *does little celebratory dance* Of course, my partying is dampened by the fact that I have neither car, nor insurance, nor job to pay for either of these. Oh well. One step at a time, I guess.

Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about is a scary thing called college. I've been investing time for the past few weeks in looking around for transfer schools. Currently, I'm leaning strongly towards a small public liberal arts school in Maine, but Chapman University here in SoCal as well as Champlain College in Vermont tag along on my list as second and third, respectively. I suppose it's now just a matter of meeting with a counselor and figuring out if I'll even be able to apply for transfer next fall; I don't want that big fat F I got in chem lab last semester to come back to haunt me.

I also need to decide on my major soon. I've already said that I'd like to pursue a major in Creative Writing, but, as my mom so lovingly pointed out a few months ago I'll "need to get a real job" after school. So, here comes the tricky part. I love history. I'd like to teach. So, do I double major in Creative Writing and History, or major in Creative Writing and minor in History? Or should I just forgo the Creative Writing altogether and major in Secondary Education, with an emphasis in History?

It's all very confusing.

Then there's the issue of money, and that's an entire issue by itself....

The only thing I'm really sure about? I want to travel/study/live abroad. If I don't, I shall be a very sad puppy indeed.

Until next time, I suppose. :)

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Something

I feel distinctly angsty.

It's rather strange, because today was rather nice, as far as first days at school go. And it wasn't even 'back', because I switched schools. I like the campus a lot more. Like... a lot. It's awesome. Some of the classrooms are kind of sketch, but I'll get used to it.

I dunno. Maybe it's because I'm over-tired.

Whatever.

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You know you haven't posted in a while when...

...Dashboard goes and changes the homepage format on you. ^_^

Not much has really been going on. The Olympics keep me up until the wee hours of the morning; similarly, I don't think I've yelled at the TV so much in my life. Watching those swimming events is just.... insanity. Yay for Phelps and his 8 gold medals!!

School starts in a little over a week. I'm not complaining about my schedule much, even though I'm carrying 19 credits... I'm only going to class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which should leave me with plenty of time to find a job. I'm also trying another CC out, so hopefully I like this one better. I dunno, the atmosphere at Miramar (where I attended last year) just sucked a lot. Hopefully with more people and a bigger campus, as well as less down time on the days I'm there will keep me occupied and not so depressed this fall and winter. I'm actually quite looking forward to my schedule, because it's all weird 'fluff' classes.... classes like Philosophy, and World Religions, and Creative Writing. Oh, and Trig. But that's just necessity.

It seems to me like this summer has gone on forever, and yet not long enough.

...Stupid leprechauns must be on crack. They control time, you know. o.~

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"It's a Brand New Day...

...And the sun is high,
All the angels sing,
'Cause you're gonna die."

It's amusing how incredibly intoxicated I am with Doctor Horrible (Act Two is up by the way, click on the little banner to the right to watch if you haven't yet!), and yet less than 12 hours remain until Dark Knight. You know... super-villain musical... super hero movie... whatever. Both are fantabulous.

There are few things I hate in this life. One of those things is painting a room which isn't mine. Even more than that, is painting a (bath)room that isn't mine in the middle of summer with no air conditioning or even proper ventilation available. That pretty much sums up my day.

I've also been researching potential transfer schools, for life after community college. What I'd do without the U.S. News list of America's Best Colleges, I'll never know. I've been searching by major: Creative Writing. I figure my other potential major (secondary school history teacher) you can get pretty much anywhere, but creative writing isn't offered at many places, so if I decide to double major, at least I know I'll be getting my money's worth. I'm finding that the cursedness doesn't end, though. I was looking at the list, and guess which school popped up? CSU Long Beach. Now, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this school at all. In fact, it's almost what I'm looking for: reasonably cheap, by the beach, and obviously with a pretty good writing program, considering it found it's way onto this list. There's one tiny problem, though... because guess who goes there? Yeah. And, knowing my fabulous good luck (sarcasm!), I'll probably run into him at some point. I'm not just going to limit myself to California, though. I actually found a really interesting one in Canada, as well as a few reasonable ones in Massachusetts. =)

My, I certainly am using a lot of hyperlinks today.

All right. It's late, and I should probably go to bed. 'Night. I'll let you all know how Dark Knight was! I am so psyched...

P.S. We still really need members for the online book club. Come join. Please?

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I have chem lab homework

And you know what? I don't care.

Also? I hate people. And a lot of things. Like knowing when prom is this year. High school, please, please, please, PLEASE leave me alone. Please. I'm begging here.

And I don't beg.

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