One writer's attempts to come to terms with real life.
But don't be too alarmed.
Anyway, this is from one of the most epic episodes of television I've ever seen:
Buffy: One of these days, I'm just gonna put you two in a room and let you rassle it out.
Spike: No problem at this end.
Buffy (warming up to it): There could maybe be oil of some kind involved...
I like the way you think, Buffy. I really, really do. ;)
Okay, an actual post will be forthcoming. Amusing conversations just keep happening.....
You know, I'm not even sure I just used "ruminations" correctly. It sure sounds cool, though.
Yes. For the past... three days, I've been listening to nothing but Coldplay. Actually, that's a lie. But you get the idea.
More specifically, I've been listening to their latest album "Viva la Vida". It's lovely, it really is. I'm not sure exactly why I'm so attached to this album right now, but I can't get enough of it. In fact, I'm listening to it right now, right at this very moment as I am sitting at this computer consul in my school's very odd-looking library.
Seriously. You should see it. It's very odd.
Short story unit finally started today in my Creative Writing class. It was a bit disappointing, though, to start it off by showing up late for the first time since the semester started. I guess that's what happens when you're getting to bed after one in the morning after chatting online with certain people, only to find yourself suddenly wide-awake at 5:45 am. Then fighting to get back to sleep, only to have that take forever...
Ahem. Pardon my wandering thought processes, it's a recent occurrence that I'm not liking too much right now.
It was also a bit of a disappointment to walk into my class, only to look around and find that my new favorite person in class is absent for the third or fourth time in a row. I love this guy, seriously. He reminds me of a younger Remus Lupin (sorry... if you haven't read Harry Potter, you won't get what I'm talking about here) minus, you know, the werewolf thing. He's very quirky, and I'd love to get to know him better. *crosses fingers* Only, that doesn't work out so well if he's not in class.
Hmm. What else, what else...
Oh, yes. I wrote a short story today. Yes, you read that right: short story, not a fanfic. I'm rather proud of it, actually, despite the fact that half of it is taken from something that actually happened, and my professor said not to do non-fiction. Oh well. It's not like she's going to know that happened, anyway, so it's all good.
Also, I have to re-emphasize the fact that I believe the male gender is totally and completely whack. I think you'd agree with me if you had lived in my head for the past few days.
That's about it for now. Until next time, then...
"I remain, gentlemen, your obedient servant,
O.G."
I got called 'cute' today. Over IM. By a guy I barely know, and whom I haven't seen (in person) in years. It was quite interesting.
I think he's desperate for a girlfriend. It kinda makes me feel bad. All the same, I'm going to be bracing myself if we keep talking and he eventually decides to ask me out. He has somewhat of a history of this, you see.
I dunno. I kinda get where he's coming from. Though to say right now I could care less if I was dating someone would be a lie, I think it's getting to that point. Slowly. There are other things to focus on. Not to mention the fact that I'm still getting over someone, but that's an entirely different topic altogether. And, if I remember correctly, I think I swore him off (or at least talking about him in here) months ago, so...
However, I think I'm going to flatter myself and say that I was never really so desperate once upon a time.
Or, perhaps I was, just never so outspoken about it.
I kinda hate men. I also currently find myself in that awkward place between breathing and breathless. Trust me... it's awkward.
The internet and its wiles continue to astound me. I should also mention frustrate and depress me to no end. Did I mention the hate of men in there?
But I do know this one thing: if I ever have a child, I never want him to treat me like Matt treats his mother.
Like... ever.
p.s. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is some good TV.
...made me cry. Thrice.
I never cry when reading a book. Only a handful of other times come to memory.
Damn you, Stephenie Meyer. First it was Edward and Jacob... you really had to create Ian, too?
Thanks for permanently screwing with my already unrealistic expectations of the male gender. *resigned sigh*
...And the sun is high,
All the angels sing,
'Cause you're gonna die."
It's amusing how incredibly intoxicated I am with Doctor Horrible (Act Two is up by the way, click on the little banner to the right to watch if you haven't yet!), and yet less than 12 hours remain until Dark Knight. You know... super-villain musical... super hero movie... whatever. Both are fantabulous.
There are few things I hate in this life. One of those things is painting a room which isn't mine. Even more than that, is painting a (bath)room that isn't mine in the middle of summer with no air conditioning or even proper ventilation available. That pretty much sums up my day.
I've also been researching potential transfer schools, for life after community college. What I'd do without the U.S. News list of America's Best Colleges, I'll never know. I've been searching by major: Creative Writing. I figure my other potential major (secondary school history teacher) you can get pretty much anywhere, but creative writing isn't offered at many places, so if I decide to double major, at least I know I'll be getting my money's worth. I'm finding that the cursedness doesn't end, though. I was looking at the list, and guess which school popped up? CSU Long Beach. Now, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this school at all. In fact, it's almost what I'm looking for: reasonably cheap, by the beach, and obviously with a pretty good writing program, considering it found it's way onto this list. There's one tiny problem, though... because guess who goes there? Yeah. And, knowing my fabulous good luck (sarcasm!), I'll probably run into him at some point. I'm not just going to limit myself to California, though. I actually found a really interesting one in Canada, as well as a few reasonable ones in Massachusetts. =)
My, I certainly am using a lot of hyperlinks today.
All right. It's late, and I should probably go to bed. 'Night. I'll let you all know how Dark Knight was! I am so psyched...
P.S. We still really need members for the online book club. Come join. Please?
No link, I couldn't find a good one on Youtube. But the song is from "Spring Awakening", which is officially one of my favorite musicals ever now. Thanks to Matt. ^_^
I've come to another realization today: I am a hand-bag fiend. So much so, that I actually bought one today.... from Wal-Mart. I hate Wal-Mart.
Just goes to show you...
I think two words to aptly describe today would be 'stressful' and 'nostalgic'. Well, there was some reprieve in the afternoon, when Maya came to pick me up and we were supposed to watch Prince Caspian, but missed it because of traffic on the freeway; so we just hung around the plaza instead. But yes... first stress, then nostalgia. Stress, because of packing and all that; nostalgia because... well, you know.
It's just frustrating. To add to that, I... think I'm developing feelings for someone new. But that in itself is even more frustrating, for various reasons.
*sigh* I hope this vacation is at least a little restful. With my luck, though, I'm beginning to highly doubt it....
More Imogen Heap, because I am seriously addicted to that album. I don't want to know how many times I've listened to it since Tuesday. Also, this user on the youtube vid has the rest of the album uploaded in the same format, so go check it out, yo!
I was going to write yesterday, but Morgan and Kenny and Athan, a few friends of hers that I know, came and "kidnapped" me last night and we went to this place known as 'the Ghost of Cypress Creek'. Long story short, this creek had to be diverted when people were developing the area, so they stuck it in a tunnel underground. It was insane! We could hear the traffic rolling over the manholes on the street above us, and the reverb in there was incredible. We also sat down at one point and turned off our flashlights--pitch darkness. I want to go there again. :D
After that, we went over to our friend David's house and listened to a Sufjan Stevens album he had managed to get on vinyl. It was really amusing, because he was all excited about such old technology. Not that I'm dissing vinyl or anything, I thought it was pretty cool, too. Just not as much as David, haha.
All in all, I got back home around two in the morning, and my computer was off, so, no entry. What I was going to write about got expelled from my head, anyway, and for that I'm very glad.
You see, I think I'm having an emotional relapse. Yesterday was especially bad, I just couldn't help myself when I was thinking about him. *sigh* It's difficult to explain. I just... don't want it to be there anymore. I know it'll take time, but I think this past week (well, after last Thursday, anyway) has been a bit deceiving. I'm just glad Morgan decided to take me along on their adventure yesterday; wallowing in self-pity as I most surely would have been doesn't sound appealing at all.
Hopefully things will get better--I leave for Alaska next Wednesday! Woo! I've already started packing, hehe. I'm paranoid I'll end up over-packing, considering the state of the section of my closet that I've designated as cruise-worthy. ^_^
I think that's about it for now... oh! Congrats to the Class of '08! :D Graduation was today, at least in the local district. It's weird to think of so many friends (and certain others, ahem) all graduated now.
Anyway... have a great Friday the 13th tomorrow! I want to have a creepy adventure, but I'm not sure how that is going to work out. I think the most exciting thing that's going to happen is camera shopping, haha. Speaking of which... pics (all 6 of them, woo) from the Bro-Am can be viewed here. Enjoy. =)
That it's been a year since Prom today.
Sure, there are plenty of things I could have done differently, plenty of things I would want to change if I were able to--but in my mind, no matter all the drama that was or wasn't my fault, I'll still remember it as a great time. Frustrating, yes. Awkward, definitely. But still great.
And you know what? I think I'm good with it.
Finally.
To 'Davy-Jones': verb. To violently rip or cut one's heart out to avoid feeling terribly strong emotions. example:
Davy-Jones me.
Morgan (10:58:31 PM): what's with your little davy-jones thing?
Cassandra (10:58:49 PM): oh, I should change it
Morgan (11:04:28 PM): why was that there?
Cassandra (11:05:17 PM): passing mood
And that's all I have to say about that anymore. I feel better today. =)
Of course, no rain, totally clear skies just like Tuesday. Sign? I'll choose to interpret it as one. How, I haven't decided quite yet.
More reflections...at two in the morning.
I never said goodbye to him. That's the crux of it, I think. I walked away, and he disappeared, and I never said goodbye, or good luck, or have a nice life, or anything.
No. Fucking. Closure.
Of course, I had built it up in my head. I knew I was going to be disappointed. But once there, I was skittish, and avoided him at first. Once he finally came up to me, I wanted to hug him, but hesitated. I don't even know why.
I don't even remember what we talked about.
Goddammit. Why am I such a failure?
I emailed him when I got home, asked if he was going to the band concert tomorrow--or, I guess it would be later today. Redemption? Perhaps. Though ten bucks and my soul says he doesn't come.
I don't even know what I want. Well, I do, but it's not like that is happening. Closure would be nice. One last hug would be even better, even though it will probably do a number on me again. And things playing out like they do in my head? Million-dollar prize package. Though of course they won't. It's nice to dream, though.
Sometimes.
Again, I'm wanting that off-switch really really badly.
I should probably get to bed, now that everyone else I've been talking to on instant messenger has. At least it's a little better now; I felt sick an hour ago.
And you know what? I guess I could blame it all on him, or circumstance, or bad luck, or the craptastic rain we had today (in JUNE. What the fuck?), or anything else, but I'm not.
I'm blaming it on me.
And, as terrible as this might seem, it's nice to have some control over it for once.
...But this song is beautiful. It's called "Battlestar Sonatica", from the newest version of the TV show, Battlestar Galactica. I don't watch the show, but Matt gave me a few of the songs from the soundtracks of the various seasons to listen to, and this has to be one of my ultimate favorites. It's such a peaceful, beautiful piano solo; I de-stress and fall asleep to this one a lot. I want to find sheet music for it, mmm.
I have no idea why this week is going so slowly. It could be because I've been anticipating tomorrow for a long time now; I'm also hanging out with Maya on Friday, and the Switchfoot Bro-Am is on Saturday. Lots to anticipate/look forward to. It's driving me crazy. Hence the de-stressing music. That, and I've been a lot more agitated and annoyed lately, it's getting to be a chore. -_-
As the clock ticks nearer to Wednesday, the more apprehension I feel. I actually feel physically sick, thinking about it right now. Music or no music.
I don't even really know what I'm expecting. I don't really know what will happen, or how I will feel about anything. It's so unpredictable, and I hate it. I wish it were over already, good god. This speculation and hype and the various scenarios playing out in my head are murdering me. I'm afraid of building it up in my head, only to be sadly disappointed. Scratch that. I already know I'll be disappointed, but I hate the part of me that begs to differ. I want it to shut up, but it won't. I haven't even decided if I'm going to talk to him at all, or what I'm going to say. And then what if I've decided, but it doesn't happen? This is quite possibly the last time, ever. A part of me is incredibly relieved about that, believe me. The other part? Not so much.
I wrote a poem last night. It was really intense, and I don't think I'll ever let anyone read it, if they know who I am. Maybe anonymously, but it makes me blush a little, just thinking about it. Perhaps if you ask me really nicely or pester me til I give in. Yeah. Maybe. I just don't want to be judged, you know? The human experience is everything, including not-so-nice thoughts, the thoughts you're expected to keep to yourself. Which opens it up for me to talk about the other thing I mentioned a few posts back, but I'm going to shy away from that right now. One hurdle at a time, I think. I can only take so much.
Sorry if that was incredibly vague or confusing. I just really needed to get all that out.
Moving on to another topic, I have new pictures. Jessica tried on this black dress she's probably going to wear tomorrow, and she joked about taking pictures, so this impromptu photoshoot commenced in our front yard. All twenty or so pictures can be viewed here, should you like to look at them.
Anyway, that's about it for now. Have a good day tomorrow. I know I'll be trying.
Okay, so the song is overplayed, some would say cheesy. I still love it, though.
I met Alicia today! In person, anyway, haha. It was cool, kind of awkward, but that's how this sort of thing goes, the first time you meet someone. I guess it was kind of nice that we had talked so much online before, because I have a sense of actually knowing her, despite never meeting her in person before today. I had to bike to the local Denny's, so it was nice to get out and get some exercise and fresh air before eating yummy French Toast, mmm. Yeah, we arranged to have "lunch" together, though we both ended up ordering breakfast food, hehehe. I love doing that.
Nothing really much else to talk about... today is Monday. There's about, oh... a little over 49 hours left til the concert? Still don't know how I feel about it, though I'm suffering some anxiety over what to wear, hahaha. I also had a dream last night, but I don't really remember much of it, which I suppose is a good thing. It was probably really weird, anyway. ^^
Edit, 8:27 pm: Oh, I forgot I was supposed to wall-of-text today... whoops. Later, I promise. Also, Angie, yay for long comments! And yes... they'd have to go through Bethany... ^_^ And all the rest of you lovelies. <3
Thank you, Angie. <3 Today's song: "I'm Yours", by Jason Mraz. It's just a fun, sunny song, I find it appropriate for summer. I have a feeling the entry today will be, as Monty says, a "wall o' text"; I've got a lot to talk about that just happened to converge in my head today.
"Cassandra doesn't like the word 'submit'!" teases Meredith, my friend and Sunday school instructor. And she's right; I don't. We've been studying current issues for the past couple of months or so, and the last few weeks have been marriage. Sure, I want to get married at some point. Straightforward, right? Apparently not. Anyway, this week the issue of 'wives, submit to your husbands' cropped up in discussion. I got asked what this meant. I was silent for a while, chewing it over in my head, every part of me not liking what I was hearing. At all. Finally, all I can say is, "I don't like the word submit." Seriously, though, who does? The connotations are so negative. Aren't they? Of course, it might be the budding feminist in me protesting loudly, but, aren't they?
Let's get some help from our friends over at Merriam-Webster.com, shall we?
submit
transitive verb
1 a: to yield to governance or authority b: to subject to a condition, treatment, or operation
2: to present or propose to another for review, consideration, or decision
3: to put forward as an opinion or contention
intransitive verb
1 a: to yield oneself to the authority or will of another : surrender b: to permit oneself to be subjected to something
2: to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another
I want to call attention to the last section. "To yield oneself"? "To permit oneself to be subjected to something"? "To abide by the opinion of another"?
I don't think so.
Who cares if I am married to him? He has no right to ask this of me. Of course, I would defer to him on some things, as he should defer to me on others. I don't think there should be a dominant partner. It's degrading, both to him and to me. As "Corpse Bride" puts it (god, I love that movie): "Marriage is a partnership, a little tit for tat."
So there. Frak submit. I'm my own person, and so is he, whoever he might happen to be. And just because we are individuals with our own views and preferences and ideas doesn't mean we need to morph into one robot-crazy once we get married. Creepy.
There was something else I wanted to talk about, too, it's been bugging me for a few months now, but I don't really feel exactly comfortable being frank about it, and I'm a little too distracted now to think about how to word it ambiguously, so I think I'll let you go. I'll save the other half of the wall of text for next time.
Oh! I almost forgot: pictures from yesterday here. Also? I get to meet one of my online buddies, Alicia, tomorrow for lunch! Yay! I'm excited. I might have pictures, we shall see. ^_^
Enjoy your day, dear reader. <3
As you can see, I am now converting the title of my blog posts to youtube links to songs that I think are appropriate. Today's is "Wonderwall", by Oasis. I LOVE this song. It's fun to drive to, and play on Rock Band, not to mention just angst and remember to. A great over-all song, multipurposeful. Hehe. Give it a listen.
Today was busy. I went to a brunch with some people from church, that was fun. Then it was straight to San Ysidro for darling Arianna's 2nd birthday party. I swear, I love that kid, she is such a doll. Pictures up soon, I'm too lazy to get up and upload the pictures from the camera.
I've decided that I like driving on the freeway at night. It's unnerving, but kind of in a good way. I did it for the first time all the way from San Ysidro to Poway, it was intense. Apparently I cut some people off (whoops....), but aside from that it was without much incident.
Also? Rock Band is so much fun! I tried everything but singing today at Arianna's party (I don't like kareoke, and that's pretty much what it is, glorified). I have so much respect for drummers now, holy crap, my arms hurt after playing a song through. Guitar was fun, basically like Guitar Hero... I should also mention I pretty much rock at bass. Oh, irony, how you enjoy making me miserable.
Eh, it's not so bad. I'll get over it. Before this wednesday's orch concert? Not likely, but after that it's all done. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, though. Come back to me on that one.
If you haven't already, listen to that song. Listen to the lyrics. Let them resonate.
...I think I've done that too much.
Isn't that funny? I say I didn't have a dream about him, and last night I do.
Such is my life. I want it to be summer already, dammit.
Yeah. Suckage.
And it's weird, because my immune system is usually great. I rarely get sick, yet this is the second time in four months. And it's spring for godssakes! What the f*ck?
Maya says it's because I'm going through a lot of stress. Isn't that the truth... Argh. This sucks so much. And I've been having headaches this week, too. Plus a string of weird dreams. Luckily no appearance of him, or else I'd be in the mental bin right now.
This is getting to be really overwhelming.
So I realized a few hours ago while sitting in my school library that I didn't post last night. It kind of made me jump a little. But that's okay. Jumping's good for you, sometimes.
This afternoon, I was discovering for the first time the beauty of Death Cab for Cutie's most recent release, Plans. I know it came out in '05, but I've just now gotten my hands on the whole thing. Even if you've never listened to them before, I highly recommend going out and finding this album, Death Cab's debut on a major label (I forget which one). Despite the label change, it's still pure, honest, intelligent Indie rock/pop. It's glorious.
Anyway, I was just listening to the album, and this song popped up called "Someday You Will Be Loved". It really resonated with me, so I'm going to post the lyrics:
I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved
This song just gave me a lot of hope in what I'm dealing with right now, and I feel better about picking up and moving on. Because it's true, what the lyrics say. Broken hearts mend--it takes a while, of course, but they do--and someday, whenever that happens to be, I'll finally get it right. And, if it hasn't happened already, I know it'll happen for you, too.
Once again, music rescues me.
Today went surprisingly well, considering the circumstances. And I'm determined that's the last post concerning anything to do with him. No promises, though. It depends on what happens and how I hold up. But I'm taking it one day at a time. =)
Anyway, I'm thinking of taking this blog in a new direction. I mean, focus on something else besides my life; I realize that's kind of the purpose of a blog, but it's a little too egocentric for me, and I'm not all too into that.
So, until I find myself a new hobby or something to rant about, I think I'm going to post some of my writing. Not fanfiction, per se, though that's definitely possible, considering that's what I write most of the time. Perhaps the occasional poem will find it's way here as well.
But not right now... I'm kind of tired. Just letting you guys know what I have planned for this thing. I figure since I'm more regular about posts I might as well make it something spectacular. ^_^
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