Breathe (2 AM)

More reflections...at two in the morning.

I never said goodbye to him. That's the crux of it, I think. I walked away, and he disappeared, and I never said goodbye, or good luck, or have a nice life, or anything.

No. Fucking. Closure.

Of course, I had built it up in my head. I knew I was going to be disappointed. But once there, I was skittish, and avoided him at first. Once he finally came up to me, I wanted to hug him, but hesitated. I don't even know why.

I don't even remember what we talked about.

Goddammit. Why am I such a failure?

I emailed him when I got home, asked if he was going to the band concert tomorrow--or, I guess it would be later today. Redemption? Perhaps. Though ten bucks and my soul says he doesn't come.

I don't even know what I want. Well, I do, but it's not like that is happening. Closure would be nice. One last hug would be even better, even though it will probably do a number on me again. And things playing out like they do in my head? Million-dollar prize package. Though of course they won't. It's nice to dream, though.

Sometimes.

Again, I'm wanting that off-switch really really badly.

I should probably get to bed, now that everyone else I've been talking to on instant messenger has. At least it's a little better now; I felt sick an hour ago.

And you know what? I guess I could blame it all on him, or circumstance, or bad luck, or the craptastic rain we had today (in JUNE. What the fuck?), or anything else, but I'm not.

I'm blaming it on me.

And, as terrible as this might seem, it's nice to have some control over it for once.