Skipping Class. Again.

...I should probably stop doing that...

Anyway, today is Monday. Sarcastic 'huzzah', right? Wrong! Why, you may ask? There's another orchestra rehearsal tonight!

And no, I'm not going just to see him, but that does play a part, obviously. The simple fact of the matter is: I miss orchestra. That's it. Really.

I think the whole transition from high school to college was rough for a number of reasons. I miss the constant security in knowing that I'm returning to a place with such great memories for another great year (no matter how much the construction sucks). I miss my friends, I miss the social life. Now, when I say that, I'm not insinuating I'm a hardcore partier or anything like that, because that is so far from the truth it is laughable. What I'm talking about are the more simple social pleasures: eating lunch by the bandroom (practically living in the band room...), waving at people in the hall, knowing at least one other kid in your chem class. And orchestra was a part of all that.

I was talking to my friend Katelin, who was also in orchestra with me, and I was telling her about my "orchestra withdrawals". She sympathized with me, of course, but she said that she takes care of those by actually playing with her University's orchestra. Now, she's absolutely amazing when it comes to the violin, even moreso on the piano: it just makes sense for her to continue playing in a setting like that, especially when auditions are mandatory for admittance. Me, however... well, let's just say that I've never really been one of the best. I think the only time I was ever in the first row was in 8th grade when I decided to switch to cello because no one else would. I could sign up to play with one of the community orchestras, sure; but I wouldn't be able to make it, I know it. Plus, it's really not the same thing; meeting once a week, or maybe every two weeks, going over the material, and going your own way until next time. And, while playing is great, I don't think playing my instrument in an ensemble is the only thing I'm looking for.

I want the same atmosphere of it all, which I know I'm never going to get again. And that's hard. Since my fifth grade year, when I transferred into the public school system after attending a small, conservative private school for 5 years, orchestra has really been the only norm in my ever-shifting life. Friends come and go, school years pass, we grow older; but orchestra was one of the only constants in my life, and I think I clung to that. Only when I was forced to give it all up did I realize what exactly it meant for me to be a part of that.

And, once again, that's difficult to come to terms with.

It's not like I can consciously change anything about the way I'm feeling; all of this is nothing more than a product of change, of moving on, with no responsibility on my part (unlike other things....). And, for a while at least, it will be difficult to let go. But it has gotten better, especially since last Monday when I first went to visit. The warmth and security I experienced afterwards reminded me of falling into the arms of a close friend one hasn't seen in years, and I liked that. And seeing Nick didn't hurt much, either. o_~

I think the only thing I'm looking for with everything I've been experiencing is security. I'm generally a creature of habit, though I do appreciate a healthy dose of spontaneity and randomness now and again. And, though the past few months have been hard, it's starting to feel like a routine again, and things are beginning to fall into place. My only hope is that it continues to improve.