Bleh.

So, I guess I should catch you guys up. Not that I know about anyone who reads this thing regularly, but whatever.

That Friday I was talking about... well, I was going to go visit the school to say hello to a few teachers and a lot of my friends and him... but it never happened. Amy's flight ended up getting delayed until a ridiculous time, so when she finally came home I wasn't able to see her that day because she was about to leave to go to Anaheim to watch the Arcadia band tourney with Sean and his girlfriend. Add a bunch of other stressors, like the fact that one of my online buddies was scheduled to go into surgery that day to remove a tumor from close to her brain... and you have one hell of an angsty day. I think the only good part was going to the mall for Eurydice's birthday and the subsequent sleepover; being with other people helped a lot. Plus, there were these two streakers at the mall, that was pretty amusing. ^_^

I did go to the orchestra rehearsal on Monday to see him, that was nice; I felt so uncharacteristically fluffy afterwards, it was almost disgusting. And I saw him again at the choir concert last night (they do Handel's Hallelujah Chorus every year, and some of the orchestra people help out), but I'll get to that later...

First, though, I need to get something out into the open, because I realized last night that I haven't been exactly truthful with myself and other people about this entire thing. I guess you could say that for roughly a year, I've been living a lie and wasting my valuable time; which isn't exactly a comforting thought, as you can imagine. So, y'all get to finally know his name.

His name is Nick; he's a Senior this year, and he's in orchestra (obviously). *gasps ensue from Zatarra and Eurydice and anyone else who witnessed last year at all...*

I've identified many reasons why I have so much trouble admitting to this, though there are two major ones that stick out from the rest. First, is that I've only recently come to terms with it (even though it's been almost a year, yes); even now, I don't quite know what I want yet: mere closure, or something else. On some deeper level, I would like all of this to work out, but the way things are going, I very much doubt anything along that vein is going to happen. Secondly--and I know I'm being a shallow jerk when I say this, trust me, I know--is that I was embarrassed by my feelings for him, my interactions with him. For the last three months of last school year, I was an unmigitated bitch to him--mostly because I was bitter, but I'll save that story for another day. He's arrogant, gives the impression that he's not the brightest crayon in the box, and a bit of a jerk. And he's definitely not the most good-looking guy I've ever seen or liked before, so I guess for a while (early on, anyway) I considered him a step down. But because of the way I treated him, and the things I said in front of others, I unintentionally created a double standard, which is where the whole living a lie thing comes into play. How would I explain if I was suddenly nice to him again? How would other people perceive me if they saw me with him? Before all of this, I had liked to think myself as apathetic to what "other people" thought of me, and to a large extent, I was. I did some pretty odd things in the halls with my friends that illicited some strange looks, but did I care? Hell no, I was a Senior. But I had never before considered that "other people" would include some (okay, most...) of my friends, even some of my closest. For the longest time, only one other person besides myself was aware of what I was dealing with in the emotional sphere, which is definitely odd, because I had at least four friends at the time that I talk about this sort of thing with (that number has grown since then).

So, why am I so attracted to him if he is quite possibly the furthest thing from what I am looking for in a guy? To be honest, I have no idea. With all the other guys I have ever liked, I've always been able to identify at least one aspect of them that attracted me the most. Maybe they were nice to me when other boys were not, or were hilariously funny; maybe they were extremely good-looking, or had some measure of intellegence. Maybe they had a beautiful personality. For the life of me, though, I can't figure it out when it comes to Nick. I think on some deep, biological, dawn-of-human-existence level, the sheer physicality of him is what attracts me, at least in part; he's quite strong, which he tends to brag about a lot, but I've seen enough to know that he generally isn't overexaggerating about that. He can be very nice, and on occasion I get the feeling that he knows more than what he usually lets on.

He intrigues me.

And he plays an instrument--two, actually--which for me is always a plus; he even told me on Monday that for his Senior Project he was planning on composing a piece for Chamber Orchestra. He writes music...

I daresay this is all starting to remind me of Phantom of the Opera.

I'm just so unsure how to interact with him, what to say... I've been trying to drop hints, but I just don't think he gets it at all. I might ultimately have to be straightforward with him, which is something I do not excell in at all, and it gives me chills just thinking about it. And I don't want to hurt him... to quote my friend May, from the looks of it, "it doesn't look like he's had any female interaction before." Oi vey...

Well, anyway, I do plan on going to the next orch rehearsal on Monday. Why? I guess you could say it's because I am utterly hopeless and just can't seem to get over this whole mess. Or that I'm looking for closure.

But I actually think that the one real reason I am going is this: I miss him. That's why.