Second Chances and the John Mayer Complex

So, I hate John Mayer. It's nothing personal, I don't know the guy...it's like I'm just genetically predisposed to hate him. But, my philosophy is, all true musicians deserve a chance, and he obviously is a rather good musician, since he can play some amazing guitar...

The problem: I HATE the song "Wonderland" or whatever the hell it is...you know the one I'm talking about. Anyway, to quasi-quote my friend Courtney: "Any guy who sings with an acoustic guitar is only out to get girls." Hahaha...

I keep telling my cousin, Wesley (the ultimate John Mayer fangirl, by the way...yeah, he's a guy, so what? I can call him a fangirl if I want to) that I'll give the guy's music a second chance but I don't know if I want to, really. I don't know if it's worth the effort of shattering several years of expectations and anti-John-Mayer-ism.

Which leads me (sort of) to my next topic... Yesterday, you know I said that Maya and I talked about stuff that we both really didn't feel like talking about yet? One of those things for me involves a guy named Sean...

You see, even though I'm now a high school graduate, the whole situation remains somewhat surreal. I want to move on, but at the same time, I don't want to let go of my past. I know that I won't have to actually "forget" anything (though some things are much, much better left forgotten), but when I say "let go", I mean, well...literally.

I've known this guy, Sean, for well over four years now, but only as a really good friend, nothing more. But then, everything just sort of...happened...at Grad Nite. I mean, of all freaking times to realize that I have feelings for the guy, WHY must it happen the night of our graduation? WHY did I suddenly have to find out that resting my head on his shoulder while sitting on the cold, hardwood floor of our lovely high school gymnasium at four o'clock in the morning is quite possibly the most comfortable I've ever felt with anyone of the opposite sex at any time in my life? And WHY must his hair be so damn soft? (<-- yeah, don't ask) Thus, you now understand why my life (and Maya's, as she is basically going through a number of the same things I am) is officially and irrevocably CURSED.

I guess over the whole week of graduation festivities had been building a case for him (I hung out with him a lot more than usual during those days), but I didn't quite realize it until it was too late. Well, in retrospect...perhaps the last two months of school would be a much better estimate. But, at the time, this awareness, this realization of him...it seemed very sudden. It made me feel, dare I say, giddy. Of course, that might have been the fact that it was Grad Nite, and I'd stayed up all night, but honestly, I haven't felt that way about a guy in quite a long time, so back off.

And, of course, due to the fact that I am and A-class loser and generally a self-preserving twice-bitten-always-shy kinda gal when it comes to confessing things to the opposite sex...he doesn't know anything. I haven't even seen him once this summer since Grad Nite.

I guess you could say that I'm sort of depressed about that.

The sole redeeming factor in this whole "unrequitted, too-late-realized attraction" situation: he's staying local. I mean, he's not living at home or anything like that (like I am...) he's actually moving onto a campus, but at least he'll still be in the general vicinity...perhaps a thirty minute drive from my house, given the butt-load of traffic that usually occupies the freeways nowadays. But I'm not sure if I want to...you know, tell him. I'm not sure if I want to risk our friendship like that, all the more fragile because we won't be seeing each other Monday through Friday at school anymore. Emails, phone calls, the occasional lunch outing...but other than that, nothing really. That is, if we stay friends. Just friends. But I am so unsure of myself, whether or not I actually want to persue a relationship with him, and that kills me. Just like it always does.

I guess I just have to think about it more. But I definitely know one thing: I have to see him again over the summer. More than once would be preferred, but, as the saying goes, "Beggars can't be choosers."

You know, I'm going to a wedding in, like, two hours. I hate weddings. Now, I'll hate this one even more...well, you know what I'm going to be thinking/sulking about all evening.

And I still haven't packed for camp. I guess I should go do that...

*glares at Andrea Bocelli cd I just got from the library, entitled AMOR*
*massive headdesk*