Floating to swimming, but where to start?

So, I'm starting to lose faith in the upswing. Not in my emotional sphere, no, but just about college again. I have no idea what I want to do with myself, where I want to transfer to, what I want to major in... it's really getting overwhelming. And this first year is almost over and I don't think I've got half the credits I need to be able to transfer... It's just... urgh.

And it's also been brought to my attention that I might have a mood disorder; at least, I'm exhibiting a lot of the signs. It's just a lot to think about right now.

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The Dentist is the spawn of Satan...

Yeah. Dentist visit this afternoon. *shudders*

It rained again today, only it was more expected, rather than last Thursday's storm. I didn't mind so much, but maybe I got all the bad vibes out of my system yesterday. Yesterday was just not a very good day for the first half, I woke up in a bad mood and stayed that way until after I got back home. I even skipped both of my classes; I just didn't want to be there at all. It was all overcast yesterday and I was reading this book and it got really intense and I just wandered around campus until it was time for me to call my dad to get picked up again. Several times I wanted to just burst into tears for no reason at all, but I decided to hold it in til I got home--I made up my mind to take a nice long walk and sort everything out.

Which I did. It was very peculiar; I got home and the skies started clearing up, but for some reason looking up at the patch of blue made me want to just lose it right there in the middle of the street. I had meant to go to the local neighborhood park and just sit on the swings like I did the last time I needed to take a walk--back in January, the day Tiina died. But I missed the street the shortcut was on, but by the time I realized it I didn't want to turn back, so I just headed into the hills instead, wandering on some trails.

Mind you, though I'm parked in the middle of suburbia, there are still these patches of wild left here and there, and I stumbled across one on my walk through the neighborhood. Feeling a little better in spirits and much like the main character in Pride and Prejudice, I just went for it, not quite sure where I was going.

I liked it that way. I explored for a bit, just following the trail wherever it lead; at one point I climbed to the top of a hill and was able to see the whole neighborhood for a good distance. By that point the clouds were less frequent, and I was feeling so much better. Standing up there alone, just looking at it all with the wind in my face was so refreshing, and it was like something melted off of my shoulders for a while. After staying up there for a few more minutes, I decided to head back home, decidedly better.

After reflecting, it's just moments like this that make me convinced that things are starting to get better. I've also started talking again with this guy I knew in high school that I liked for literally years--it feels good to be talking to him again, even if it is only online. I don't know, I just think it's what I've been looking for recently, a way to consolidate the past with the present, if that makes any sense.

...Ugh. I still smell like dentist office...

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Surviving =)

Hello one and all, I am back in business. I actually managed to survive Singles Awareness Day, even though this random freak winter storm came only on that day with a bunch of rain (I'm convinced the rain gods and Cupid are in cahoots...); it was actually quite pleasant afterwards, eating soup and watching the recent release of Pride and Prejudice all afternoon (I can't get enough of that story) before going to the musical at the high school and getting in for free because I am just that awesome. ^_^ Even though I sort of crashed towards the end heading into the later hours of the night, all in all it wasn't as bad as I supposed it to be. I did have these random chronic stomachaches on Wednesday and Thursday, and I still don't know where they came from or what caused them, but they've disappeared as of now, so...

This four day weekend flew by! I had so much fun today, driving around with Maya and taking random pictures of everything; I don't really want to go back to school for the rest of the week, and of course it's not fair at all that my brother and sister have all the rest of the week off for President's Day... *grumble*

All in all, things are still on the slow but steady incline I was talking about. Of course I have down moments--who doesn't? But I can't help but feel a little less emo now. Then again, all on Saturday when we went to see the musical again I couldn't help getting massively anxious that I might run into Nick... I did get to see Sean, though, so that was definitely a nice trade off. Plus seeing all my family, including my cute little niece (my cousin's kid), because of my grandparent's 50th anniversary dinner. It blows my mind how anyone could stay together that long, but I suppose it's possible if you try hard enough, which is what I was talking to Morgan about last night during a rather enjoyable IM conversation about different aspects of "love".

Still, I have yet to survive an upcoming orch concert, slated for next Wednesday... we'll see how that goes. I'm not even sure what I'm going to say to him. Ah well, I suppose I work best on impulse...

Til next time, then.

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Floatiness is fleeting

So, I finished my book today, Austen's Pride and Prejudice; probably not the best book to be finishing so close to Valentine's day, but that's what masochists do, right? I was sort of floaty earlier, but then it popped and the high's left me rather low... of course it doesn't help when people are saying things the equivalent of "get over it". Right. As if it's that easy, as if I haven't tried before, right? Honestly.

Meh. I'm going to bed...

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Looking Up

So, I had a four-hour-long conversation with Maya last night... and I don't know what happened, but it's like we're both different people. It's like I'm filled with a faint glimmer of hope that all of this just might work out in the end, thanks to Maya and some of the things she was saying. That, and a dream I had last night that was rather entertaining for once; I woke up satisfied and refreshed for once, even though I hadn't gone to bed the night previous until after 1, waking up a little after 8.

Though I realize that it'll take a while for everything to iron itself out, if at all, things do feel like they're finally starting to take a turn for the better. I'm wary, of course, how can I not be, cynic that I am--but still rather hopeful, which makes for a definite change.

Hopefully I'll still feel like this throughout the week, what with Valentine's Day coming up... *crosses fingers*

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Exhausted

No entry yesterday, I didn't really even go on the computer at all. Morgan was over for several hours, it was quite glorious; we watched that movie, "Batman Begins" for the first time yesterday... honestly, not bad at all for a comic book movie. The best one I've seen yet, really, and I'm not really into the superhero scene.

Anyway, I'm SO tired; I went up to camp to help out at an encampment, and ended up singing for 4 hours. It's a wonder I still have a voice, really.

A bit angsty because of the winter formal that's going on at the high school right now (memories and futile dreams, how you plague me), but I'm trying not to think about it so much right now. It's easier now that Jessica's actually left for it, I was really bitchy earlier, partly because she was going to borrow maybe my favorite formal dress ever (a floor-length, flowy dark blue dress, it's gorgeous). But she ended up wearing something else at the last minute, so I guess it's all good.

I don't know what it is, really, but I just keep having this bad feeling that I'm going to hear something about Nick later, like he was at the dance with someone or something. A part of me refuses even to contemplate it, rejects it as absurd and just goes on sighing, but is it really so absurd? And it's frightening, because even at the mere half-formed thought I fear I'm terribly jealous. I think it might have something to do with my most recent dream featuring him that I can remember (there have probably been more, but this is the one that really stood out to me). The dream itself was simple enough--I went with him to his prom--but it was by far the most realistic-feeling of the bunch. And just the thought of him being with someone else honestly turns my stomach. I know it's wrong to be thinking like this, I'm not even remotely entitled to be feeling like this, I have no claim, and yet at the same time, I don't think there's any other possible way for me to react to that sort of news.

To make the apprehension of the hour even worse? Maya told me that an old attraction of hers (also named Nick, also formerly in orch with her) is now dating someone. Sign? Gods, I hope not.

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Blog Revamp

Happy New Year, readers! If I've got any, that is, ha. I know I like to drop off the face of the earth for a couple of months and not post anything, but I'm still trying to get used to keeping a regular journal-thing like this... December was going well, but... meh. Now's as good a time as any to start again.

I must say that things have been up and down. School's started up again, so that keeps me somewhat busy. Recently, though, times have been especially hard to deal with; one of my dear forum-buddies Tiina passed away two weeks ago (on a Wednesday, no less. And you thought I was cursed before?), and I'm just worried about my lovely "clone" Maya, who's been dealing with major homesickness and a lot of other emotionally-stressful things. That, and my brain's just come out of some sort of numbing, apathetic hibernation period, and I think yesterday was the overload point; I was in a horrible mood all day, very brooding and somewhat anti-social, ended up crying myself to sleep because I think my emotional-mental capacity just snapped. It's weird when you cry and you can feel what's wrong, but there are so many things floating around in that category that you can't pinpoint an exact reason. ...Man, I hate Wednesdays.

Some good news, though. My nostalgia for high school is slowly diminishing; I think it might have something to do with the fact that I had originally signed up to play for the high school's musical this spring ("The Music Man", ugh.) because they needed more violinists, but I just couldn't really take being there. I was jumpy and paranoid about accidentally crossing paths with Nick (which almost happened on the first day, argh), not to mention nervous and stressing about the music and not having played in months... yeah. Needless to say, I dropped when I had the chance, and since then I've been better when it comes to the subject of high school. There are low points, of course, but I like to think of myself as slowly improving. The same with orchestra, but that process is going much slower.

Anyway, that's my entry for today, I've got to get to class. Let's see if I'm actually able to keep this up. =)

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