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I MET TIM FOREMAN FROM SWITCHFOOT! *swoon*

Yes. It was glorious. Today was glorious. I'm sooooo sunburnt, but it's mostly from yesterday. The concert was great. The beach was great. The surf contest was great. The people were great. The only thing that wasn't so great was the fact that I think the camera broke from its encounter with the sand... this picture I stole from Maya, since hers didn't break and she put pictures up on Facebook already. I'll have the link to the 5 or so pics I had before it started freaking out on me tomorrow or Monday. =)

Hope your day was as exciting as mine!

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Awakening

In honor of Switchfoot Friday (every first friday of the month), today's song is "Awakening" off their most recent release, "Oh! Gravity." I'm so excited I get to see them tomorrow at the Bro-Am!!

I also think the song is appropriate for a number of other reasons. It kind of feels like I'm waking up. It's quite lovely and liberating. Plus, the lyrics are just awesome. =)

Today was fun. I hung out with Maya, and we checked out her new apartment in La Jolla that she'll be living in over the summer (swank-town! I'm so jealous.), then we went to the beach and walked around and talked, during which I acquired yet another sunburn. After that, we walked around downtown La Jolla while waiting for a call from her friend, Jen, who we were going to meet up with at UCSD, where we spent some time just wandering and ate dinner. We rounded it all off with some wanderings about UTC mall with some of Jen's friends.

I notice a trend here. We tend to wander around a lot... ^_^

I'm pretty worn out with all this wandering, so I might turn in early and save all my energy for tomorrow. Free concert at the beach! Surfers! Food! Friends! Fun! ...Did I mention surfers? ;P

Til tomorrow, then.

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Davy Jones

To 'Davy-Jones': verb. To violently rip or cut one's heart out to avoid feeling terribly strong emotions. example:

Davy-Jones me.

Morgan (10:58:31 PM): what's with your little davy-jones thing?
Cassandra (10:58:49 PM): oh, I should change it
Morgan (11:04:28 PM): why was that there?
Cassandra (11:05:17 PM): passing mood

And that's all I have to say about that anymore. I feel better today. =)

Of course, no rain, totally clear skies just like Tuesday. Sign? I'll choose to interpret it as one. How, I haven't decided quite yet.

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Breathe (2 AM)

More reflections...at two in the morning.

I never said goodbye to him. That's the crux of it, I think. I walked away, and he disappeared, and I never said goodbye, or good luck, or have a nice life, or anything.

No. Fucking. Closure.

Of course, I had built it up in my head. I knew I was going to be disappointed. But once there, I was skittish, and avoided him at first. Once he finally came up to me, I wanted to hug him, but hesitated. I don't even know why.

I don't even remember what we talked about.

Goddammit. Why am I such a failure?

I emailed him when I got home, asked if he was going to the band concert tomorrow--or, I guess it would be later today. Redemption? Perhaps. Though ten bucks and my soul says he doesn't come.

I don't even know what I want. Well, I do, but it's not like that is happening. Closure would be nice. One last hug would be even better, even though it will probably do a number on me again. And things playing out like they do in my head? Million-dollar prize package. Though of course they won't. It's nice to dream, though.

Sometimes.

Again, I'm wanting that off-switch really really badly.

I should probably get to bed, now that everyone else I've been talking to on instant messenger has. At least it's a little better now; I felt sick an hour ago.

And you know what? I guess I could blame it all on him, or circumstance, or bad luck, or the craptastic rain we had today (in JUNE. What the fuck?), or anything else, but I'm not.

I'm blaming it on me.

And, as terrible as this might seem, it's nice to have some control over it for once.

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Breathe Me

...Because I know I'm still having trouble breathing. The song is by Sia.

And now, some poetry.

Play the soundtrack
To my broken heart.
Not because I am
Unable, no, because
I want you to.
It’s fitting, you see.
And I long so much
To take you, to make
The music stop and
Start, a new song
Swelling to a deep
Crescendo from within
My heart, the
Sweetest music ever
Heard. And I long so much
To hear your music, the
Answering chords plucked
And picked in your soul,
To pretend I am the only
One to ever hear such
Melody, such harmony,
And revel in the thought.
But I’ll never hear it, and
Neither shall you, not with
Things as they are, such
Distance separating us,
Emotionally, physically.
I wish it weren’t so.
And it’s all my fault.
So go on, play your music,
I’ll stand watching, waiting,
Always waiting, playing the
Soundtrack to my
Broken heart.

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This Week is One of the Longest of My Life

...But this song is beautiful. It's called "Battlestar Sonatica", from the newest version of the TV show, Battlestar Galactica. I don't watch the show, but Matt gave me a few of the songs from the soundtracks of the various seasons to listen to, and this has to be one of my ultimate favorites. It's such a peaceful, beautiful piano solo; I de-stress and fall asleep to this one a lot. I want to find sheet music for it, mmm.

I have no idea why this week is going so slowly. It could be because I've been anticipating tomorrow for a long time now; I'm also hanging out with Maya on Friday, and the Switchfoot Bro-Am is on Saturday. Lots to anticipate/look forward to. It's driving me crazy. Hence the de-stressing music. That, and I've been a lot more agitated and annoyed lately, it's getting to be a chore. -_-

As the clock ticks nearer to Wednesday, the more apprehension I feel. I actually feel physically sick, thinking about it right now. Music or no music.

I don't even really know what I'm expecting. I don't really know what will happen, or how I will feel about anything. It's so unpredictable, and I hate it. I wish it were over already, good god. This speculation and hype and the various scenarios playing out in my head are murdering me. I'm afraid of building it up in my head, only to be sadly disappointed. Scratch that. I already know I'll be disappointed, but I hate the part of me that begs to differ. I want it to shut up, but it won't. I haven't even decided if I'm going to talk to him at all, or what I'm going to say. And then what if I've decided, but it doesn't happen? This is quite possibly the last time, ever. A part of me is incredibly relieved about that, believe me. The other part? Not so much.

I wrote a poem last night. It was really intense, and I don't think I'll ever let anyone read it, if they know who I am. Maybe anonymously, but it makes me blush a little, just thinking about it. Perhaps if you ask me really nicely or pester me til I give in. Yeah. Maybe. I just don't want to be judged, you know? The human experience is everything, including not-so-nice thoughts, the thoughts you're expected to keep to yourself. Which opens it up for me to talk about the other thing I mentioned a few posts back, but I'm going to shy away from that right now. One hurdle at a time, I think. I can only take so much.

Sorry if that was incredibly vague or confusing. I just really needed to get all that out.

Moving on to another topic, I have new pictures. Jessica tried on this black dress she's probably going to wear tomorrow, and she joked about taking pictures, so this impromptu photoshoot commenced in our front yard. All twenty or so pictures can be viewed here, should you like to look at them.

Anyway, that's about it for now. Have a good day tomorrow. I know I'll be trying.

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