Breathe (2 AM)

More reflections...at two in the morning.

I never said goodbye to him. That's the crux of it, I think. I walked away, and he disappeared, and I never said goodbye, or good luck, or have a nice life, or anything.

No. Fucking. Closure.

Of course, I had built it up in my head. I knew I was going to be disappointed. But once there, I was skittish, and avoided him at first. Once he finally came up to me, I wanted to hug him, but hesitated. I don't even know why.

I don't even remember what we talked about.

Goddammit. Why am I such a failure?

I emailed him when I got home, asked if he was going to the band concert tomorrow--or, I guess it would be later today. Redemption? Perhaps. Though ten bucks and my soul says he doesn't come.

I don't even know what I want. Well, I do, but it's not like that is happening. Closure would be nice. One last hug would be even better, even though it will probably do a number on me again. And things playing out like they do in my head? Million-dollar prize package. Though of course they won't. It's nice to dream, though.

Sometimes.

Again, I'm wanting that off-switch really really badly.

I should probably get to bed, now that everyone else I've been talking to on instant messenger has. At least it's a little better now; I felt sick an hour ago.

And you know what? I guess I could blame it all on him, or circumstance, or bad luck, or the craptastic rain we had today (in JUNE. What the fuck?), or anything else, but I'm not.

I'm blaming it on me.

And, as terrible as this might seem, it's nice to have some control over it for once.

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Breathe Me

...Because I know I'm still having trouble breathing. The song is by Sia.

And now, some poetry.

Play the soundtrack
To my broken heart.
Not because I am
Unable, no, because
I want you to.
It’s fitting, you see.
And I long so much
To take you, to make
The music stop and
Start, a new song
Swelling to a deep
Crescendo from within
My heart, the
Sweetest music ever
Heard. And I long so much
To hear your music, the
Answering chords plucked
And picked in your soul,
To pretend I am the only
One to ever hear such
Melody, such harmony,
And revel in the thought.
But I’ll never hear it, and
Neither shall you, not with
Things as they are, such
Distance separating us,
Emotionally, physically.
I wish it weren’t so.
And it’s all my fault.
So go on, play your music,
I’ll stand watching, waiting,
Always waiting, playing the
Soundtrack to my
Broken heart.

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This Week is One of the Longest of My Life

...But this song is beautiful. It's called "Battlestar Sonatica", from the newest version of the TV show, Battlestar Galactica. I don't watch the show, but Matt gave me a few of the songs from the soundtracks of the various seasons to listen to, and this has to be one of my ultimate favorites. It's such a peaceful, beautiful piano solo; I de-stress and fall asleep to this one a lot. I want to find sheet music for it, mmm.

I have no idea why this week is going so slowly. It could be because I've been anticipating tomorrow for a long time now; I'm also hanging out with Maya on Friday, and the Switchfoot Bro-Am is on Saturday. Lots to anticipate/look forward to. It's driving me crazy. Hence the de-stressing music. That, and I've been a lot more agitated and annoyed lately, it's getting to be a chore. -_-

As the clock ticks nearer to Wednesday, the more apprehension I feel. I actually feel physically sick, thinking about it right now. Music or no music.

I don't even really know what I'm expecting. I don't really know what will happen, or how I will feel about anything. It's so unpredictable, and I hate it. I wish it were over already, good god. This speculation and hype and the various scenarios playing out in my head are murdering me. I'm afraid of building it up in my head, only to be sadly disappointed. Scratch that. I already know I'll be disappointed, but I hate the part of me that begs to differ. I want it to shut up, but it won't. I haven't even decided if I'm going to talk to him at all, or what I'm going to say. And then what if I've decided, but it doesn't happen? This is quite possibly the last time, ever. A part of me is incredibly relieved about that, believe me. The other part? Not so much.

I wrote a poem last night. It was really intense, and I don't think I'll ever let anyone read it, if they know who I am. Maybe anonymously, but it makes me blush a little, just thinking about it. Perhaps if you ask me really nicely or pester me til I give in. Yeah. Maybe. I just don't want to be judged, you know? The human experience is everything, including not-so-nice thoughts, the thoughts you're expected to keep to yourself. Which opens it up for me to talk about the other thing I mentioned a few posts back, but I'm going to shy away from that right now. One hurdle at a time, I think. I can only take so much.

Sorry if that was incredibly vague or confusing. I just really needed to get all that out.

Moving on to another topic, I have new pictures. Jessica tried on this black dress she's probably going to wear tomorrow, and she joked about taking pictures, so this impromptu photoshoot commenced in our front yard. All twenty or so pictures can be viewed here, should you like to look at them.

Anyway, that's about it for now. Have a good day tomorrow. I know I'll be trying.

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Chasing Cars

Okay, so the song is overplayed, some would say cheesy. I still love it, though.

I met Alicia today! In person, anyway, haha. It was cool, kind of awkward, but that's how this sort of thing goes, the first time you meet someone. I guess it was kind of nice that we had talked so much online before, because I have a sense of actually knowing her, despite never meeting her in person before today. I had to bike to the local Denny's, so it was nice to get out and get some exercise and fresh air before eating yummy French Toast, mmm. Yeah, we arranged to have "lunch" together, though we both ended up ordering breakfast food, hehehe. I love doing that.

Nothing really much else to talk about... today is Monday. There's about, oh... a little over 49 hours left til the concert? Still don't know how I feel about it, though I'm suffering some anxiety over what to wear, hahaha. I also had a dream last night, but I don't really remember much of it, which I suppose is a good thing. It was probably really weird, anyway. ^^

Edit, 8:27 pm: Oh, I forgot I was supposed to wall-of-text today... whoops. Later, I promise. Also, Angie, yay for long comments! And yes... they'd have to go through Bethany... ^_^ And all the rest of you lovelies. <3

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I'm Yours

Thank you, Angie. <3 Today's song: "I'm Yours", by Jason Mraz. It's just a fun, sunny song, I find it appropriate for summer. I have a feeling the entry today will be, as Monty says, a "wall o' text"; I've got a lot to talk about that just happened to converge in my head today.

"Cassandra doesn't like the word 'submit'!" teases Meredith, my friend and Sunday school instructor. And she's right; I don't. We've been studying current issues for the past couple of months or so, and the last few weeks have been marriage. Sure, I want to get married at some point. Straightforward, right? Apparently not. Anyway, this week the issue of 'wives, submit to your husbands' cropped up in discussion. I got asked what this meant. I was silent for a while, chewing it over in my head, every part of me not liking what I was hearing. At all. Finally, all I can say is, "I don't like the word submit." Seriously, though, who does? The connotations are so negative. Aren't they? Of course, it might be the budding feminist in me protesting loudly, but, aren't they?

Let's get some help from our friends over at Merriam-Webster.com, shall we?

submit
transitive verb
1 a: to yield to governance or authority b: to subject to a condition, treatment, or operation
2: to present or propose to another for review, consideration, or decision ; also : to deliver formally
3: to put forward as an opinion or contention

intransitive verb
1 a: to yield oneself to the authority or will of another : surrender b: to permit oneself to be subjected to something
2: to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another

I want to call attention to the last section. "To yield oneself"? "To permit oneself to be subjected to something"? "To abide by the opinion of another"?

I don't think so.

Who cares if I am married to him? He has no right to ask this of me. Of course, I would defer to him on some things, as he should defer to me on others. I don't think there should be a dominant partner. It's degrading, both to him and to me. As "Corpse Bride" puts it (god, I love that movie): "Marriage is a partnership, a little tit for tat."

So there. Frak submit. I'm my own person, and so is he, whoever he might happen to be. And just because we are individuals with our own views and preferences and ideas doesn't mean we need to morph into one robot-crazy once we get married. Creepy.

There was something else I wanted to talk about, too, it's been bugging me for a few months now, but I don't really feel exactly comfortable being frank about it, and I'm a little too distracted now to think about how to word it ambiguously, so I think I'll let you go. I'll save the other half of the wall of text for next time.

Oh! I almost forgot: pictures from yesterday here. Also? I get to meet one of my online buddies, Alicia, tomorrow for lunch! Yay! I'm excited. I might have pictures, we shall see. ^_^

Enjoy your day, dear reader. <3

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Wonderwall

As you can see, I am now converting the title of my blog posts to youtube links to songs that I think are appropriate. Today's is "Wonderwall", by Oasis. I LOVE this song. It's fun to drive to, and play on Rock Band, not to mention just angst and remember to. A great over-all song, multipurposeful. Hehe. Give it a listen.

Today was busy. I went to a brunch with some people from church, that was fun. Then it was straight to San Ysidro for darling Arianna's 2nd birthday party. I swear, I love that kid, she is such a doll. Pictures up soon, I'm too lazy to get up and upload the pictures from the camera.

I've decided that I like driving on the freeway at night. It's unnerving, but kind of in a good way. I did it for the first time all the way from San Ysidro to Poway, it was intense. Apparently I cut some people off (whoops....), but aside from that it was without much incident.

Also? Rock Band is so much fun! I tried everything but singing today at Arianna's party (I don't like kareoke, and that's pretty much what it is, glorified). I have so much respect for drummers now, holy crap, my arms hurt after playing a song through. Guitar was fun, basically like Guitar Hero... I should also mention I pretty much rock at bass. Oh, irony, how you enjoy making me miserable.

Eh, it's not so bad. I'll get over it. Before this wednesday's orch concert? Not likely, but after that it's all done. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, though. Come back to me on that one.

If you haven't already, listen to that song. Listen to the lyrics. Let them resonate.

...I think I've done that too much.

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