While running

During my run through my neighborhood this morning (finally home for the summer, thank god) a little realization hit me, but before I get to that it requires a little backstory.

I was on the last little section of the mile I got into the habit of running each day during the last couple weeks of school. I'm proud of this habit, proud of my times for each day, and though I wasn't able to go out regularly for the past few days because of packing and traveling, I would quickly be restored to my less-than-ten-minute-mile glory, still basking in the contentment that comes with being back in San Diego.

And then my delusions were quickly dashed when I simply couldn't hold out anymore and had to stop to rest before the mile was over. Which is something I never do.

Already self-conscious about all the bare skin revealed by the old high school PE shorts I was wearing, my frustration at myself and my endurance just made me feel worse. Of course, I hadn't taken into account the chaos of my schedule the past four days, the fact that running outside was different than running around the track in the gym, oh no no no, this was all on me.

So it was in this frame of mind, staring around at the houses in the cool morning air of this overcast day, that I realized something:

I would have killed for this body in high school.

Which is entirely true. As I walked back to my house this morning, I considered the tiny green mesh shorts and the high school girl who was forced to wear them each week. "PHS Titans" stamped on the left, the slits on the side of each leg exposing more fourteen-year-old skin than she felt comfortable with, the way the fabric would ride up when she walked or ran and her constant, awkward struggle to put it back in place. And if this girl, at least fifteen pounds heavier, completely self-conscious and self-hating, could deal with these stupid shorts four times a week and the mockery of her peers' eyes (both real and imagined), then I could get over myself and the fact I couldn't run a mile today.

And though all the self-confidence I've acquired since then didn't come flooding back at once like I wanted it to, I did end up feeling a little better.