Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Stages of Aloneness/Nostalgia

Dear blog,

You are looking mighty fine right now.

I realize it's been a while since we've last spoken. Even then it was in cryptic little moody snippets that I am prone to at midnight after reflecting on some bullshit drama or just too much introspection.

Is there such a thing as too much introspection, you might ask? Well, there is for me. The way it works is like this:

1) Oh, happy happy silly nonsense, it's a beautiful day, let's run around outside.
2) Hyper! People! Hello!
3) Hmm. Okay. Alone time. Alone time is good. Contented sigh.
4) More alone time. Okay. Cool.
5) More alone time...?
6) I'm still alone?
7) Why am I alone? =(

It snowballs from there.

And thus it happened again today, as it is often wont to do. It's frustrating. Some of it is my doing; I choose to be in my room instead of potential elsewheres because it is comfortable and near to my computer and convenient. But then I just... flatline, and plummet, and there goes my good mood. Sigh. I guess it also doesn't help too much that I also miss people at home dearly.

Right now, I am listening to Coldplay's "Viva la Vida" and it's very nostalgic but in a quiet and calming sort of way. It doesn't ache, because it harkens back to a time that I don't wish to return to. But all the same there's something there, a sort of smiling wistfulness that keeps whispering to me "Hello again. Remember...?"

Yes, I remember. I remember driving my parent's cars because I had yet to get one of my own, driving down the freeway and turning up the music. I remember a hot summer afternoon when I painted my face and dressed up as Batgirl for a party, cape at once whirling and clinging to my shoulders as I danced around getting ready. I remember anger and hurt, curled up into a ball on my bed with headphones drowning out everything else. And I remember stumbling into a late night conversation that quite literally changed the course of my life as I knew it.

So yes, I remember you. Some of it's a little painful, to be honest. But please don't leave. I don't like being alone.


Edge September 30, 2010 at 3:32 PM  

*hugs* it's hard being a solid mix of extro/introvert.

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