Letters I'll Never Send - #2

(I'm not sure how I feel about this being my 200th post, but there you have it. This is the edited version of an actual hand-written letter I wrote earlier today.)

Dear T.,

I'm pretty sure you don't read this thing, so here I am posting it. Just like I'm pretty sure the first copy won't find its way into your mailbox. I've forgotten your address for the time being, anyway, though I'm sure I have it somewhere.

I suppose I could be writing to the people behind the card and letter I've received over the past week, but this is more important to me right now.

I miss you.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. It disappoints me that we don't talk as much as we once did, or even could. To be entirely honest with you, which is my aim, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that something will slip out in conversation, and then it will be too late to erase, or go back, or even to think things through one last time. I could say to forget about it, but that doesn't mean you will. I know I wouldn't.

I'm also afraid of the ramifications. I know we're not as close as we used to be, but our friendship is still important to me. The memory of it all... well, I wouldn't be able to handle it if everything fell apart because of me.

So I'm writing this letter. I thought about going back and writing it in the notebooks, but that didn't seem like such a good idea after all. No sense in disturbing the past with the burdens of the present.

Though I suspect, in hindsight, that what I'm mulling over in my head is tied into the past just as much as it belongs to the now. I remember things we said, did, things we wrote. I told you everything, or very nearly. You were mine.

And then you weren't.

Back then, I never figured myself a jealous person. It's almost amusing, how wrong I was at the time.

But then again, what did I know about anything, prepossessing high schooler that I was?

So we drifted, but I carried on. I had other things to worry about--that year was hell. I trust you remember. And then it was finally over, and we drifted apart even more, though this time due to circumstances beyond our control. At least, that's what I tell myself.

Then something changed, another link in a long chain of events. Funny how it works out that way.

I've changed. You've changed, I can tell when we talk. Not very much, but it's there all the same.

So I find myself in a bit of a predicament. Okay, a big predicament, though one I'm used to, so that's a good thing. Even if it doesn't make it any less annoying or pressing.

I'm not sure what it is that I want to do.

I'm not sure if I want to just leave things the way they were, or if I should press forward. Or if I should stay in this limbo, hoping it goes away. Though I've been reminded recently that it rarely goes away, whatever the problem happens to be. It rarely goes away if I pretend everything is fine. It only gets worse.

I'm over-thinking this, aren't I? Well, you know me... It's a bad habit.

Anyway, I better end this here before I start rambling again. I hope you're doing well.

Love always,
L.