Letters I'll Never Send - #1 (gmail chat edition)

Hi.

Long time no talk.

I don't even remember what you look like. Not really. Just the idealized version my brain cooked up years ago.

I think it's interesting that in my boredom, I decided to say hello; even more interesting that, though I've been over you for a while, my heart still hammered as I contemplated typing those two letters and pressing 'Enter', even more so as I did exactly that.

Old habits die hard, I guess.

I've grown accustomed to seeing your name in the sidebar, though sometimes, it still shocks me.

I hear nothing but my music. I don't expect you to respond.

I'm wondering about your life. How college is treating you. If you're still majoring in music. If it's true that you've joined the Marines.

Pacifist though I am, I'm a sucker for uniform.

I think about the dream I had at the end of last year, the one with the fire, and the long car ride. How you were there, but intangible. I could sense you; you'd appear, fleeting. I think about the first, two Decembers before.

After a while, the dreams bleed into each other. A while more, and they start to fade.

It's funny that so much of my personal happiness, my very sanity hinged on you when I don't even know if you really acknowledged my existence. It's funny that I even considered you for an option.

I wonder if I'm doomed to keep to this pattern, like so many times before you.

I pause in my writing and wondering to check; you're gone.

Silence. I knew you wouldn't respond.

I'm pretty sure I never wanted you to.