Silence

I was going to post something I wrote earlier that's one-hundred percent truth, yet presented as fiction (appropriate considering the name of my blog, no?), but it's a bit too personal and not very good, anyway. I guess I could talk about how, with the exception of two moments, I've not experienced any of this mystical holiday cheer that seems to well up this time of year; how I've grown to strongly dislike Christmas and the "holiday season" in general. But I want to talk about something else instead.

Last night, I watched a Buffy episode called "Hush" for the first time. I'm not entirely sure how many of you that read this are familiar with Buffy, but this episode is the epitome of creepy. Creepy, jump-and-grab-hold-of-the-person-sitting-next-to-you-and-try-not-to-whimper-in-fear sort of creepy. And heart-snatching monsters aside, what really freaked me out was the fact that it was silent. The basic premise of the episode is that, one day, an entire city wakes up unable to speak. And, to me, that is horrifying.

I've never really known what a deep-rooted fear this is for me. To be honest, I think it first hit me about a month ago, when my friend put his hand over my mouth as I was saying something. It was odd, not because it happened in the first place, but in the fact that it unsettled me so. You see, I'm the shy, quiet, keep-to-myself type, except with close friends. I'm independent, and generally don't work well in groups. I have a fear of public speaking. And I suppose you could say I'm a wall-flower, but I'm not too sure about that one anymore.

So it's in my nature to be quiet. It's not like I'm saying that silence is a bad thing, either. Silence can be quite comforting, given the appropriate circumstances. But the nice thing about silence is that it can be broken, that one can simply open one's mouth and speak, eradicating the silence, the quiet. We take this for granted, I think. It's a fact of life. Humans are social, highly-communicative animals, and as such, it's in our nature to make noise, to communicate our pleasures and displeasures, to say what's on our mind.

But there's a difference between choosing to be quiet, and having that choice be taken from you. Forcibly. And that is what I'm afraid of. Being unable to express myself, when I feel like it. To be silenced, not merely silent.

Just something for you to think about.