The last leg is the hardest, but will it ever end?

Almost done with the semester. Almost done...

I'm currently hovering between anger and frustration at myself and a general sense of lethargy and apathy; a dangerous combination, I know. I just want this whole thing to be over so I can start again.

Why the self-directed anger? I need to retake my English class. Not really a big deal, but a big annoyance. I don't know what's up with me for the past two years; English used to be my best subject. First almost failing to graduate high school, barely passing my English class, and now having to retake entry-level English because I really am failing this time? Gah.

On the plus side, I took a five hour nap today, that was glorious.

I just... I just don't really know anymore. About anything. It's like second guessing and confusion is an integral part of my existence now, and I really don't want that to be the case. I used to have drive...and now, that's gone. Just floating from day to day, not really knowing where to go or what to do. I mean, I don't want to be one of those workaholics who are so focused on the future and success and everything that they don't even take time to stop and smell the flowers, but I don't want to fail, either. I think everyone just wants to be able to make something of themselves, make their life significant, and I'm no exception. One of my biggest fears actually is not heights, or public speaking, but of not living life to the fullest. And right now, that's what I'm doing. I feel like I should be doing something, but what that something is I haven't put a finger on yet. Whether going to school, or writing, or getting a job, or volunteering... it's all just a spinning, mindless vortex that is going to suck me in, and I don't know how to escape. I just want to make a difference, to make my existence on this rock significant. Is that too much to ask for? Will I have to move mountains to stick out in someone's mind? Save millions of lives? Discover a cure for cancer?

All I really want right now is to rediscover my drive. I want to go back to being young again, actually. Little kids have such a zest, such a zeal for living; their innocence moves me, and more often than not I just want things to simplify again, just like old times. And not even little kids; so often now, I think to the things I could have done when I was in high school. If I had gone to one more football game, if I had actually applied myself, sent in an application to a school...

Frak it all.