You'll find me where reality meets fiction...

Stages of Aloneness/Nostalgia

2010-09-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

You are looking mighty fine right now.

I realize it's been a while since we've last spoken. Even then it was in cryptic little moody snippets that I am prone to at midnight after reflecting on some bullshit drama or just too much introspection.

Is there such a thing as too much introspection, you might ask? Well, there is for me. The way it works is like this:

1) Oh, happy happy silly nonsense, it's a beautiful day, let's run around outside.
2) Hyper! People! Hello!
3) Hmm. Okay. Alone time. Alone time is good. Contented sigh.
4) More alone time. Okay. Cool.
5) More alone time...?
6) I'm still alone?
7) Why am I alone? =(

It snowballs from there.

And thus it happened again today, as it is often wont to do. It's frustrating. Some of it is my doing; I choose to be in my room instead of potential elsewheres because it is comfortable and near to my computer and convenient. But then I just... flatline, and plummet, and there goes my good mood. Sigh. I guess it also doesn't help too much that I also miss people at home dearly.

Right now, I am listening to Coldplay's "Viva la Vida" and it's very nostalgic but in a quiet and calming sort of way. It doesn't ache, because it harkens back to a time that I don't wish to return to. But all the same there's something there, a sort of smiling wistfulness that keeps whispering to me "Hello again. Remember...?"

Yes, I remember. I remember driving my parent's cars because I had yet to get one of my own, driving down the freeway and turning up the music. I remember a hot summer afternoon when I painted my face and dressed up as Batgirl for a party, cape at once whirling and clinging to my shoulders as I danced around getting ready. I remember anger and hurt, curled up into a ball on my bed with headphones drowning out everything else. And I remember stumbling into a late night conversation that quite literally changed the course of my life as I knew it.

So yes, I remember you. Some of it's a little painful, to be honest. But please don't leave. I don't like being alone.

Realization

2010-08-17T23:28:00.001-07:00

I don't want to admit to the possibility of a lost cause, because I'm terrified of being wrong.

---

I wonder if you did write that post about me. And I wonder if you get as sad as I do when I think about what happened.

Reasons why

2010-08-03T22:36:00.000-07:00

There's so much I ~~want~~ need to say to you, but you don't want to listen.

It's crushing me on the inside.

---

This one time a couple years ago, I "ran away" (i.e., drove off without permission and spent the night at a friend's) from my house.

Tonight, I'd love to again. But for real this time.

---

This month is a timebomb.

Sometimes

2010-07-30T00:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I am crazy.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just drop everything and travel for a long time.

Sometimes I think about what it would feel like to die.

Sometimes I say the most stupid things.

Sometimes I say nothing at all.

Sometimes I stay up too late.

Sometimes I am depressed.

Sometimes I dread what will happen.

Sometimes I imagine horrible things for no reason.

Sometimes I work myself up into a frenzy over nothing.

Sometimes I talk to myself.

Sometimes I hear two people talking in my head.

Sometimes I write it down.

Sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I deny.

Sometimes I need a reality check.

Right now, at 12:32 in the a.m., in the silence and the otherwise emptiness of this front room, I want to melt into the sweetness of staring up at the starry sky for no reason but to marvel, to fall asleep there, protected by a blanket of night air, and stop dreaming horrible dreams.

Fuck you, George Lucas: Lamenting the loss of a childhood bit of awesome

2010-07-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

I dunno if you heard, but Star Tours is closing today at Disneyland. The one in Florida doesn't close til the beginning of September, but that doesn't count because it's not the original.

This makes me so depressed. You have no idea. I mean, if you've been to Disneyland and experienced for yourself the joy that is Star Tours, you'd know what I'm talking about. Waiting in line through the futuristic spacestation-esque surroundings, waiting for the doors to finally open and the super nice/mean/apathetic/jaded Disneyland employee telling you which to file through, taking your seat... The awesomeness of the ride itself... And that droid! That silly little endearing robot that pilots you on your way to Endor. GAH GEORGE LUCAS WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY LIFE.

I was seriously thinking about it on the drive home from my summer class this afternoon. I have so many good memories about that ride. Foremost in my head right now is from years and years and years ago... I must have been about four or five. My parents had taken my sister and I to Disneyland, and we were walking around the park at night, and it was dark and rainy and I was tired, but we went on Star Tours before heading back to our hotel for the evening. And there was no line. And we went in. And it was awesome. Because it wasn't the first time I'd ever been on the ride, and it certainly wasn't the last... it's just a moment that I remember because it was so good.

I was just driving home from class thinking about that, and I came to the realization that my eventual offspring won't have that experience. Sure, there's Star Tours 2.0 and all that bullshit with the podracing and the special effects and whatever, but that's not the same. There's just something about experiencing something amazing as a kid, and then eventually getting to share that same experience with your kid... And I apparently long for something like that. I've never, ever thought about it before today. But sitting in the car by myself I came to the realization that I won't be able to do that with something I genuinely love and enjoy and have great memories of, and it made me legitimately sad.

So I wonder if anyone has ever gone up to George Lucas, knowing full well who he is, and ever said "fuck you" to his face. At like, a meet and greet, or a signing, or convention. Something. I used to get really star-struck, and I occasionally still am, but meeting all these cool, famous people at Con this past weekend whom I really enjoy watching on television bringing characters to life, or writers or musicians whose work I love and admire, I realized that I'm slowly getting over it and am able to have something of a conversation with them.

I want to be the person who is eventually so bold and so articulate, and so not nervous at all. And I want to be able to someday walk up to George Lucas, and I want to say "fuck you". And maybe it impacts him, maybe not. Maybe his neck explodes. I don't know. But that's my goal.

Milestones to failure

2010-07-11T23:43:00.000-07:00

The past week has had more than its fair share of firsts. And they're not very good ones, either.

- Tuesday was the first time I've ever been asked to leave a class for the day. I'm taking a biology class this summer for gen ed credit at my old community college and I forgot to wear closed-toe shoes for lab (long weekends are deadly to newly-establishing habits, and I wear flip-flops everywhere. I don't have to think about it, they're extensions of my feet). It was pretty embarrassing.

- Wednesday I ended up getting a parking ticket for the first time ever. Thanks for putting up signs and then hiding them behind trees so I don't notice them for two weeks. I've never gotten any sort of driving ticket. It sucked. And now I owe the city 40 bucks.

- Friday I was driving with my friend and accidentally ran over a squirrel running across the street and almost cried. Shut up, okay? It was traumatizing. I've never killed anything bigger than a bug before. I'm sorry, squirrel! =(

I'm not sure why I felt the need to spell it all out like that, but last week was.... trying. A lot of little things added up and I'm just realizing it now, and though I wrote like a crazy person on Thursday night/extremely early Friday morning and actually managed to churn out a decent guest blog, right now it just feels like I'm not accomplishing anything and I'm just a failtastic waste of space. I know that's silly and I'm not really, but sometimes it just feels like I am.

Which isn't really encouraging the day before a big test (honestly, I don't give a crap about photosynthesis and cellular respiration, but I need this class), but I'm trying to see past that sentiment of failure. It's a little easier once I acknowledge it to move on afterward.

So here's to last week and all the suck. And here's to this week and it being that much better and productive.

Wondering about normalcy

2010-05-29T01:41:00.004-07:00

So I should be guest blogging for this other thing right now cuz the entry goes live on Tuesday but I don't really feel like doing that right now. You're stuck with me for now--

OH GOD GIANT SPIDER COMING RIGHT AT ME HELP. Oh blurg. Now it keeps moving around all fast and quick with all those legs and oh my god paranoid. -shudder-

Anyway. On Thursday I drove my sister to her appointment with her therapist, because I could, and I wasn't doing much of anything else, and I like driving. I brought comics to read while waiting for their session to be over, because I'm awesome. And I was out there for less than ten minutes when the doctor poked her head out the door into the lobby and called my name. Confused and nervous and shocked, I followed her back into her office where my sister was sitting, waiting.

I can't really go into detail about what we talked about in those forty minutes or so, namely because of a little thing called confidentiality and I can't go blabbing that sort of thing about my sister all over the internet, but it was... interesting. I've never spoken to a trained professional about myself and my problems and relationships with other people like that before. I guess I could have lied through my teeth about what I thought and all of that, but I didn't. I was honest, relating things from my childhood together with my sister that I'd never shared with anyone before. But it didn't feel like I was baring my soul or investing trust or anything like that. I was just relating facts and experiences and memories. Things that I know now, after 20 odd years of being alive, are not typical experiences one should have as a child. But then I get to thinking about myself, younger, and wondering if I thought it was normal then. After all, what other existence did I know?

I can say these things to people and write it off with a shrug of my shoulders and a laugh and an acceptance of fact, but the more I think about it, the more it bothers me that I do. And I can't quite pinpoint why that is.

Making me happy

2010-05-24T22:30:00.003-07:00

- summer break
- time spent with my best friend
- slowly regaining my tan
- suddenly realizing that I really like L.A.
- real Mexican food
- driving aimlessly with friends
- watching Doctor Who with my little brother
- Glee in concert
- the sheer genius of the LOST finale
- being in love

While running

2010-05-17T10:45:00.002-07:00

During my run through my neighborhood this morning (finally home for the summer, thank god) a little realization hit me, but before I get to that it requires a little backstory.

I was on the last little section of the mile I got into the habit of running each day during the last couple weeks of school. I'm proud of this habit, proud of my times for each day, and though I wasn't able to go out regularly for the past few days because of packing and traveling, I would quickly be restored to my less-than-ten-minute-mile glory, still basking in the contentment that comes with being back in San Diego.

And then my delusions were quickly dashed when I simply couldn't hold out anymore and had to stop to rest before the mile was over. Which is something I never do.

Already self-conscious about all the bare skin revealed by the old high school PE shorts I was wearing, my frustration at myself and my endurance just made me feel worse. Of course, I hadn't taken into account the chaos of my schedule the past four days, the fact that running outside was different than running around the track in the gym, oh no no no, this was all on me.

So it was in this frame of mind, staring around at the houses in the cool morning air of this overcast day, that I realized something:

I would have killed for this body in high school.

Which is entirely true. As I walked back to my house this morning, I considered the tiny green mesh shorts and the high school girl who was forced to wear them each week. "PHS Titans" stamped on the left, the slits on the side of each leg exposing more fourteen-year-old skin than she felt comfortable with, the way the fabric would ride up when she walked or ran and her constant, awkward struggle to put it back in place. And if this girl, at least fifteen pounds heavier, completely self-conscious and self-hating, could deal with these stupid shorts four times a week and the mockery of her peers' eyes (both real and imagined), then I could get over myself and the fact I couldn't run a mile today.

And though all the self-confidence I've acquired since then didn't come flooding back at once like I wanted it to, I did end up feeling a little better.

How to Write

2010-04-10T19:33:00.004-07:00

Step 1: Sit at computer.
Step 2: Choose song. Set on repeat.
Step 3: Sip at drink liberally. (Repeat as needed.)
Step 4: Compulsively eat junk food.
Step 5: Poke around online. (This will take a while.)
Step 6: Open file.
Step 7: Stare at the blank space.
Step 8: Turn up music.
Step 9: Poke around online some more.
Step 10: Settle into chair properly.
Step 11: Rock back and forth to song.
Step 12: Write.

One-Fourth down, so much more to go

2010-04-08T21:35:00.004-07:00

It's been eight days since I started on my script for the Frenzy, and I'm a little more than a quarter of the way through, having hit the 26 page mark a little after midnight on this fine evening.

And I still have homework to do.

So why am I blogging, you might ask? Because I wanted to share with you some things I have learned about me and my writing process over the course of these eight days:

- "Optimal" Writing time. I've noticed that I get the most done on this script when it is crazy late at night. Always. It might be the quiet, the reduction of distractions, delirium and lowering of my Crap-Writing-Inhibitor (more on that later), anything. But this time works for me. Sure I regret it in the morning, but it's worth it. So I suggest, if it works for you, trying to discover if you do a lot of your writing at a certain time, and taking note of that. Since I want to eventually write for a living, I need to break out of this mold (because God knows I don't want to spend the majority of my career staying up til 3am every night working) so my thought is that once I know (or think I know) that I work best at this certain time, I can start breaking away from that habit and expanding that block of time to 24/7.

- Caffeine addiction. Hand in hand with the staying up late, I have a nasty habit of wanting to drink something constantly when I'm writing for a longish period of time. I have no idea where this came from, but I first noticed it at home over winter break. My current drink of choice is Mtn Dew. Bad idea. Not only am I using up all my meal points, by the end of April I will probably be addicted to caffeine.

- Noise. Apparently I can write to any music/song if I listen to it enough times on repeat that it just becomes background noise. The music also helps me focus, though I did write a chunk of script a couple days ago in silence (mostly because I was so tired and single-minded that I didn't realize I wasn't listening to anything).

- I need to read more scripts. End of story.

- Outlining. OH MY GOD I am so glad I outlined this thing before I started. Seriously. I don't know that I would have even hit 10 pages, let alone 27. And I used to be of the school of thought that just dove right in and went for it. Which, let me tell you kids, is why I never finished any long-term projects. Lesson learned. Always outline.

- This is Crap. Okay. So I'm something of a perfectionist when I write. Or, I used to be. I have an extremely high standard for myself and others when it comes to writing. Which, again, is why I've never finished anything, particularly NaNoWriMo. Aside from the fact that I never outlined, got lazy and fell behind, I would always read over my work and constantly edit as I go. Hence, Crap-Writing-Inhibitor: the total and instant annihilation of all noticeably crap writing. Spoilers! This is not the way to do this. So this year with Script Frenzy, I decided to not give a damn about whether or not what I was putting to paper was any good. I love my idea, don't get me wrong. But this first draft is crap, and I know it, and I knew it would be. No delusions there. I can go over it again after this nonsense is done (and I probably will, because, again, I really love my idea). Reading and critiquing can come later. But this month I just need to write. And it's working so far.

And, lastly:

- The Internet is a Terrible Distraction. But you knew this already.

An Interlude

2010-03-29T22:07:00.003-07:00

Lemme just talk about this past month for a sec.

You know how you can have the greatest day, but then all it takes to completely ruin it is a single moment?

March was filled with these moments.

Sure, there were good times. Excellent times, in fact. And much laughter, always laughter, what with the company I keep and the people that I talk to on a regular basis. Many good moments. Some great moments, even. But then every once in a while, a bad moment, or an awful moment, or a truly horrible moment will show up, and just negate all the good and set me back so much. And I'll fight it, and I'll scream at it, or I'll quietly give in to the numbness before I'm reminded that I'm strong. And I am. But that's for another time.

And there's been so much crying. It's pretty terrible. I mean, I've gotten past the point where I consider crying a weakness to be avoided at all costs (because I did think like that, once upon a time). I understand that it's healthy and a part of the healing process, etc etc etc. But really? This month has just been a superfluity of moments that make me cry and it's gotten to the point where I'm wondering if it all isn't a bit ridiculous. Isn't it? It must be.

But then I get to thinking about some of the things. Things like death, and loss, and violence, and fear, and horrible, horrible uncertainty. For the beginning of Spring, this month's been touched by too much death. But it's the uncertainty that gets to me most, I find. For example: I don't know if I'll be able to go to school here in Farmington next year. I'm proceeding as normal, but it's difficult sometimes. And there are so many other more pressing uncertainties.

And lastly, there's the ever-creeping tendrils of depression that will catch me in an off-moment and just suck me right down. But at least I know how to do a better job at combating it now.

Anyway. That's that. So, goodbye, March.

Another thing: I should have started outlining ages ago!! -frantic face-

Hello, blog!

2010-03-11T17:41:00.002-08:00

I've been very absent from this thing for a while now, I realize this. I tend to cycle my way through flurries of blog activity and much updating, and then long stretches of silence, which usually can be attributed to bouts of laziness, uninspiration, and being otherwise occupied with real life. And sometimes, I forget about this thing entirely.

But at long last I've been bitten with the writing bug again, and that goes for more than just blogging. I'll be doing Script Frenzy next month, which is the companion to NaNoWriMo in November. I already have an idea for my script and I'm really excited to get started. I've never written an entire script before, much less one that's a full-length movie, so this will be both tons of fun and tons of agony.

The other day I also delved into prose again with the writing of a tiny little fanfiction for my love, Doctor Who. It was nice. Fanfiction was such a huge part of my life for something like five years and, to be entirely honest with you, it got me through some pretty rough times. It was a great outlet, and I'm glad to have it back, though I'm all cobwebby and rusty.

And here's a secret: I'm also toying with the idea of writing a play in the near future as well, something I've never done before. But shhh. Don't tell anyone. ^^

So, for now, I've decided on a direction I want to take this blog: I'll be talking about my writing here, puzzling out details and ideas or just ranting about how stupid I feel because the words aren't flowing right, and maybe snippets of dialogue or poetry (because of course I'm still writing poetry) will find their way here too.

If that interests you, thank you! If not, well, you know the way out...

It'll be okay.

2010-02-18T17:00:00.004-08:00

I suspect that I'm at a point in my life where I keep saying those three words not because I truly believe them just yet, but because I'm trying to.

And everyone needs reassurance.

Happymaking

2010-02-05T17:11:00.004-08:00

Today, someone said to me, "You are systematically destroying my insecure and zero self confidence existence!"

It's one of the best things anyone has ever said to me ever.

My Suitcase and I

2010-01-17T16:24:00.004-08:00

My suitcase and I are having a standoff. I'm not really sure who's winning.

It feels like I'm wilting. At the same time, I can feel the anxiety creeping up my throat and out into the air I'm breathing.

When asked last night if I was excited to go back to school, I lied.

Some thoughts

2010-01-07T20:59:00.001-08:00

It was my twentieth birthday yesterday, so I've officially outgrown the classification of 'teen' up there in my lovely header. I don't know what to change it to though, so it'll stay as-is for a while.

I've been thinking a lot lately (okay, last night and today) about signing up for another blog, and making it private or just not giving people the link. Because while I enjoy writing on this, there are just some things that need to be said without inhibition or regard for others. And I don't have that here. But I haven't decided either way just yet.

Things have been good for the most part. But despite all the great goodness, I can't help but think that Alex was right during our conversation on Sunday, even though I definitely feel somewhat guilty for thinking that. [/ambiguity]

See that? That's the sort of thing I need a secret blog for. A physical journal is just too much work for little ol' me.

That's about it for now. Perhaps I'll turn in. Oh, and I'm very taken with this song right now (thanks Morgan).

Monday Afternoon

2010-01-04T14:17:00.003-08:00

Today's the kind of day that's muffled, like a slight persistent ringing around the edges after too much loud anything.

Today's the kind of day when my hair falls in waves I am content with, the pleasantly bitter aftertaste of coffee coloring my tongue as I watch my old, old dog inhale painfully, my eyes still heavy with four a.m.

And I wonder how simultaneously old and young I feel, me, living and breathing on the cusp of twenty.

Half-packed

2009-12-16T17:21:00.004-08:00

There's something beautiful about a half-packed suitcase. Something new and comfortable and frenetic. Something exciting.

In less than two days I'll be on the move, when each passing minute will bring me that much closer to you.

I can't wait.

2009-12-10T23:32:00.000-08:00

If lying were harder I'd do it less.

"Welcome back winter once again"

2009-12-10T12:48:00.003-08:00

I've decided that snow makes me happy.

To the extent that I've been referred to as a small child quite a few times.

I can't help it. There's nothing quite like the muffled slush and crunch of ~~stepping~~ prancing around in new-fallen snow, cheeks red from cold and hands numb, eyes bright and mouth open from laughing too much.

I've decided that I love the way the stars feel closer in the evening, the way that I can almost reach out to touch them, and by extension, you; how clean and intimate the air can be, stinging and cold in my lungs and nose.

I've decided that I like everything about winter. Finally.

2009-12-05T23:14:00.000-08:00

I just want to be proven wrong.

My New Favorite Thing

2009-11-30T09:55:00.007-08:00

I decided on my little excursion all over the whole of New England this past weekend that the New England town is quite possibly my new favorite thing. I mean, it's one thing to go to school in one for a few months, but it's quite another to go across all sorts of state lines and have them all be just as picturesque and lovely, if not more so.

This is Brattleboro, VT. I took this picture as we were crossing one of the bridges across the river. On the other side was New Hampshire. It was crazy. Of course, by virtue of it being Vermont, there are hardly any WalMarts in the state, so we crossed on foot to New Hampshire to get my friend more yarn for her knitting projects.

Teehee. I promise that's not my handwriting.

Driving from Maine, across New Hampshire, into Vermont, across Massachusetts, into Rhode Island, back across Massachusetts to return to Vermont, into New Hampshire again, and finally back into Maine was quite the crazy few days. And though I couldn't go home for Thanksgiving, I'm really glad I decided not to stay at school, either. I met wonderful people and had a good time, which included but was not limited to: becoming a one-year-old's new best friend, sipping homemade wine, Seinfeld Scene-It, turkey, talking til late at night, becoming the Persephone of New England with the taste of a pomegranate, and British television.

That said, I cannot wait to go back to San Diego. <3

Hope your holiday was as good as mine.

We were in the dark

2009-11-10T09:24:00.003-08:00

We were in the dark, I sitting, she lying in the relative silence though Glee quietly reminded my ear drums to not stop believing. She sneezed, signaling she was awake. The clock, though recently taken to playing tricks on me and resetting itself to random intervals, spelled out in primary colors that it was after twelve.

I asked how her night was. When she spoke, her voice was tinged with muffled congestion and a sort of weariness. I could relate.

'Boys are stupid.' I fell back on that time-honored response, trying to make her feel a little better.

She agreed.

She's up now, blind drawn, light from outside spilling over her side of the room. I suppose I could follow suit, feel the metal beads under my fingers as I rediscover the window hiding behind the white canvas flap, but for the moment I prefer the artificiality of my computer, lighting my face and arms and hands. The silhouette of the friendship bracelet I've been working on obscures the upper right corner of the screen, a braided and colorful reminder of summers already experienced.

It's quiet now, she's gone, and I rock back and forth in my chair as I breathe and think and wait and simply be.

(untitled)

2009-11-09T11:04:00.002-08:00

The light hiding behind the blind,
streaming through the window
is deliciously impersonal,
nebulous yet familiar--
a far off smoke-tinged
dream not realized
but relived so many hundreds of times.

poetry

2009-11-08T23:26:00.001-08:00

There's poetry in me,
but I'm too worn out
to find it again.

A promise and a reminder

2009-11-04T11:02:00.003-08:00

I will not give up, no matter how awful it gets.
I refuse to stop fighting for what I want.

Be the change.
I love you.

A Sunday

2009-10-25T14:31:00.003-07:00

I fell asleep twelve hours ago, woke up again in half that time.

My heart is overflowing but I'm only just acknowledging it, only just realizing that I ran away but you came with me, stopped me and made me listen.

I'm watching this crescent of a moon rise outside my window, this smile in the sky, and I'm smiling too.

I don't know what the stars mean.

I don't care as long as you're here to share them with me.

Letters I'll Never Send - #3 (inconsequential spur of the moment because I was bored edition)

2009-10-16T17:12:00.005-07:00

Hey.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this now, I have a lot of things I need to do. It's probably because I was facebook stalking you earlier. Whoops. My bad.

So I don't know what I did. And it really bugs me. I say it doesn't, but it eats at me, and I need to know. I'm tempted to apologize, but there's no way I'm apologizing for something if I don't even know what I did that was wrong. If anything.

I know this is silly, as little time as I spent with you, but I miss you. Not that aching sort of miss that I'm all too familiar with now; you don't merit that. But I'll think about it sometimes when I spot you, think about a conversation we had, or a movie you said we'd watch, or a comic I need to give you, and it just digs at me. Because it's stupid. This silence is stupid. What are you playing at here?

Whatever. You're not even my priority anymore. Though I really don't think you ever were. But you don't need to know that.

I just have to know what happened.

'Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?'

2009-10-16T06:44:00.003-07:00

Poptart picnic on the floor of my dorm room, eight pages of essay printed, listening to this song on repeat, thinking of the sunrise three hours behind. Good morning.

Untitled

2009-10-12T11:34:00.004-07:00

She hangs up the phone with resignation and the false smile still pasted over aching lips.

Of course everything would be all right. Wouldn't it? It had to be.

"No, darling, they won't lock you up."

"No, darling, you're not crazy."

"Talk to your doctor. It'll be fine."

What she longs for the most is to say, "I'm scared. I don't understand."

What she longs for the most is to be held and for the trouble to seep quietly away, out of her body and into the ground, cleansed by fire and kisses.

She can't.

Fall's slanting golden light and thinly pure air is no match for dark circles cradling tired eyes.

But it can try. She would welcome that.

How I fared this past week

2009-10-11T16:05:00.003-07:00

- ~~Survive~~
- ~~Get all my homework done~~
- ~~Not get addicted to caffeine~~
- Talk to you as much as I can (Not nearly enough.)
- Figure out what's up with him ("Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.")
- ~~Make a new friend~~
- ~~Take more pictures~~
- Watch the sunrise again (Not this week, but it will happen.)

Goals for the rest of this week

2009-10-06T14:26:00.002-07:00

- Survive
- Get all my homework done
- Not get addicted to caffeine
- Talk to you as much as I can
- Figure out what's up with him
- Make a new friend
- Take more pictures
- Watch the sunrise again

Pet Peeve

2009-10-02T16:39:00.002-07:00

(The following is a rant.)

Okay. I text too much. I'll be one of the first people to tell you that. And I understand that people don't text as much as me, that it takes a while to reply to something I may send you, that you might be in class, or at work, or your phone might be off, or your fingers just aren't working, or you're anti-social. Whatever. I get it. I'm not going to get an instantaneous reply. Just as long as I get something back in an acceptable amount of time.

Now, don't ask me to define 'acceptable', because it really depends on the nature of the conversation and who I happen to be talking to. However. I will tell you what is unacceptable: Me asking 'Are you busy today?' around 11:30 this morning and now, over eight hours later, still without a response.

Honestly, this is like the rudest thing ever. And it makes me paranoid and thinking all sorts of things on the insecure end of the spectrum. The question remains: Are you going to excuse this? And the answer from me is a definite 'absolutely'.

But why, Cassandra? Well, that's for another time.

...Maybe I scared him off.

There are better things...

2009-09-29T20:15:00.002-07:00

...For me to be blogging about (like my day, heh) but I thought this was amusing:

Cassandra: wtf how is my hand bruised?

Cassandra: /random

Maya: maybe a sparklepire with a glittering six-pack bit it

Maya: that's always been your dream, right?

Cassandra: EFF

Cassandra: now I'm going to turn into BELLA

Maya: hahahahahahaha

Occurrences

2009-09-16T11:05:00.003-07:00

Last night I started breaking story for this episode of television I'm working on. It's not there yet, but I have arcs for the characters and I know where I want it to go.

It was hard work, but incredibly satisfying.

And sitting back against the wall with my eyes closed, thinking about things like A-story and B-story and act outs, it occurred to me that, hey, maybe I can do this.

Just like it occurred to me this weekend that I shouldn't be going to school here, I should be going to school in L.A. But that is for another time.

Now, I have to go to class.

Also, you guys, college is going to make me fat. The food here is suck. =(

Something from today

2009-09-14T21:33:00.001-07:00

A freewrite

2009-09-10T20:16:00.002-07:00

So I haven't written prose in a while. And I opened a new Final Draft document but ended up running away, so I did this instead. It's rough and short, but after being blocked for a while... it's something. :)

"What are you doing?" she said.

"Nothing," he said, and picked up another stone to skip it across the stream.

The breeze ruffled through a nearby branch shaking a few leaves from their perch, fiery in their death.

She watched them flutter to the ground. "I've always wondered why leaves are prettiest when they die."

"Isn't that morbid?" he said, the stone agreeing with a wet plop as it sunk. "Damn."

"Your mother told you not to swear," she said automatically.

"You better not tattle."

"No, I won't. And no, it's not morbid."

"What's not?" He wasn't looking at her, instead examining yet another stone, this one flatter than the other.

"Thinking about the leaves, when they die. Think about it. They turn such pretty colors."

"Maybe they've got the right idea," he said, tossing the stone in his hand thoughtfully before chucking it into the water. It resounded with another plunk. He shrugged. "Going out in a blaze of glory and the like."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she said, now sitting beside him, legs dangling over the creek bed.

"Dunno. Heard it somewhere."

"Oh. Well, maybe."

They sat in silence for the rest of the afternoon.

Daydreaming

2009-09-04T12:24:00.003-07:00

Lazy Friday afternoon, fluffy white clouds outside my open window dancing to my music, pine trees remaining stationary and silent in their vigil.

I'm swaying to this song on repeat, holed up in my dorm room, door ajar. People walk past, some going to class, others going home for the long weekend. To say that I'm not a little jealous of them would be a lie, but that's okay.

In my mind, I'm somewhere else. Somewhere warm, somewhere comfortable.

Is it December yet?

Before Sleeping

2009-09-02T21:33:00.003-07:00

There are so many things I want to say bubbling up inside me, but I don't know how to say them yet.

I will say this:
I love Maine. I love you. And I wish you were here to share this with me.

Things I learned today

2009-08-30T22:55:00.002-07:00

- social interaction is not as difficult as I once thought it was
- painter's tape makes my posters fall off the walls
- caffeine is not a good idea past 9pm
- sometimes it is all right if you're ditched
- I miss you so much more when I'm alone.

Good morning

2009-08-28T06:48:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting in this borrowed room, curtains drawn over the view overlooking the lake and gardens, still blinking the blur from my eyes. It's almost ten o'clock, but my body protests that it's really before seven. My mouth full of coffee and chocolate milk, ears full of Regina Spektor--this moment is hard to beat.

As hot water washed over my skin this morning, I thought about how there wasn't a shortage here, how I could take as long as I liked and only feel marginally guilty instead of being harped at by my father because of the bills. And it's gloriously beautiful here, all shades of blue and green. It reminds me of Washington last summer.

But as beautiful as it is, it's still not home. Not yet. No dry chaparral, golden and crisp beneath my sandal-clad feet; no stiflingly hot temperatures; no spontaneous visits to friends' houses. Oh, and the ocean. I don't miss her, not yet, but I will.

I feel a world away from the country I grew up in, separated by an ocean of land-water and all those millions of people who live there.

I am now...

2009-08-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

On East Coast time. Whoa.

Shows I'll be watching this Fall

2009-08-24T18:05:00.001-07:00

I should be packing and not procrastinating online like this, but Television Without Pity posted this fall preview of shows to 'watch, DVR, or skip' and I figure, what the heck. If I'm going to be getting into the industry, I better start watching more TV. Also, excuse to post! Yeah!

Monday
Castle (10 pm, ABC) - Nathan Fillion. Enough said. (I actually wanted to watch this during the midseason but I had class and then they stopped streaming the episodes online, which was lame.)

Tuesday
V (8 pm, ABC) - Sci-fi! Morena Baccarin! Alan Tudyk! Lizard people!

Wednesday
Glee (9 pm, ABC) - I heard a lot of good things about this show when the pilot aired a few months ago. Plus, singing and dancing.

Thursday
Flash Forward (8 pm, ABC) - I know very little about this show, but it looks awesome.
Community (9:30 pm, NBC) - Joel McHale in a comedy focusing on a group of students attending community college. I'll probably be catching this one online... I hope it doesn't suck.
30 Rock (9:30 pm, NBC) - Probably the funniest show on television, and one of my absolute favorites. Tina Fey! Alec Baldwin! I can't wait til October.

Friday
Dollhouse (9 pm, FOX) - If you missed season one, find it online and watch! You have a month. Go go go!

A Wish List

2009-08-12T00:25:00.000-07:00

- I wish the marine layer tonight didn't prevent me from watching the meteor shower.
- I wish I was more in the loop with certain people.
- I wish my ostracism wasn't mostly my fault.
- I wish it were a lot less exhausting for me to be optimistic.
- I wish I was more excited about this whole college thing.
- I wish she hadn't moved away.
- I wish I had more time.
- I wish I could tell you everything.

Today's To-Do

2009-08-08T00:43:00.000-07:00

- drop off a book at a friend's house
- finish a ton of comic books I've borrowed
- call the roomie whom I think is a vampire
- freak out about leaving
- dance around to this song a lot
- watch Superman Returns

It's starting to hit me

2009-08-05T17:43:00.000-07:00

Like a freight train, and all the air whooshes from my lungs under the pressure. But instead of broken bones, it's calendar pages and countdowns; slow-seeping panic, and relief, and fear, and regret, and excitement, and worry, and responsibility, and so much stress.

I have less than 30 days left in San Diego. I won't be back until December.

...Shit.

In which I ramble about being nerdy <3

2009-07-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to ramble.

So this weekend was Comic Con International! It's another one of those things that makes me love living here in San Diego. No hotel reservations to make, no flights or long long car drives... just carpool with friends and jump on the trolley. Though, to be honest, if I didn't live here I probably wouldn't go to the Con in the first place, because of the aforementioned travelly stuff to take care of. And I kind of suck at that sort of thing.

I don't really think I can sum up everything right now because it's just a huge swirl of sound and color and excitement and exhaustion in my head. And I love it. And it was awesome. I can't wait to do it again next year.

It's quiet right now, mostly because my little brother's away at camp for the week. I'm supposed to be writing him a letter, but I'm blogging instead. I'll get to the letter later.

That kinda rhymed. Ish.

I haven't written anything in a while. Well, a couple weeks ago I started a new script based on a prompt Matt gave me and I wrote the first page and a half. It's kind of gory and dark. I like it. But I haven't written much else because I don't have an ending yet. I think I do, but it's stewing and developing itself in the Maybe, as Russell T says. (I saw him today and it was awesome.) I keep coming back to this image of one of the characters, a man, smothering the other character, a woman, with this white handkerchief while she pleads with him. It's night, and in the middle of this cornfield, and all you can really make out are the blue-black silhouettes of their bodies and the lighter square of cotton handkerchief pressed against her face while she says over and over, "Please, I don't want to die anymore. Please."

Like I said. Dark.

Oh. Changing tacks, there's this random guy who a couple of weeks ago asked to be my friend on Facebook. I'm kind of a friend whore, so I'm like sure, why not. He's cool, a local; keeps mentioning the fact that he's married, so I don't think of him as very sketchy. Occasionally he'll comment on stuff, and it's fun to read. So today apropos of nothing, he writes on my wall and says "You are freaking awesome!" I'm like sweet, that's cool. Random, but cool. So I thank him and remark that I don't really know what inspired him to say that--maybe it was all the tweets/status updates from Con. His response (edited because he has questionable spelling and I'm OCD like that): "It wasn't any one thing, it's the nice little wave of just great and geeky things that make you awesome." And you know what? That really made me smile. Because it's nice to be recognized like that. Usually with most of my friends I just get weird looks or eyerolls when I geek out about something. But frak that. I like what I like and I watch what I watch and I read what I read, and if I love it enough I'm probably going to gush about it. And if that makes me a nerd or a geek or whatever, that's fine. That's more than fine. I have a friend from school who says that I bring out the geek in her. And sometimes she says it's embarrassing, but I tell her this: it's important to own it. Really truly own up to who you are and what you love. Because if you have nothing to be passionate about, or if you're embarrassed by your interests... what a craphole of a life. Seriously. That would really suck. So I'd rather be branded as a nerd (which I totally am, by the way, and I love it) than live like that.

And I think that's one of the more abstract reasons why I really really enjoyed Con this year. It was nice to see a ton of other people who were into the same stuff I was and weren't afraid to flaunt it. Power to you guys. See you next year.

I need to see Fight Club

2009-07-25T23:24:00.000-07:00

I was looking at the new secrets for this week over at PostSecret and one of them was written on this, which is apparently at the beginning of the movie Fight Club. It's pretty freaking sweet, and I thought I'd post it as a reminder to myself and anyone else out there who may need it.

(click for big)

This week has been insanely busy with many things awesome and Comic Con. Hopefully after tomorrow I'll have time to write and fangirl about it all for you. :)

It's my blog, I can be vague and poetical if I want to

2009-07-17T00:42:00.000-07:00

What do you do once you willfully trade knowing for ignorance?

What is left for you to do? But to sit and smile and pretend there is nothing wrong while hoping that you're right; to bury the mutinous whispers of doubt and curiosity beneath blankets of gray matter; to repeat mindless mantras about bliss and killing so much more than cats?

That's what I want to know.

Best Summer Ever? Possibly.

2009-06-24T18:59:00.000-07:00

A smattering of things that have been making me happy this week, in no particular order:

- Finding out I got into University of Maine, Farmington
- Doctor Who Series One
- Swimming with my Clone in the beautiful Pacific Ocean
- Girl's night out with May and Christina, speaking frankly about things I can't talk about in polite company
- Watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone for the first time in ages with my best friend, and subsequent hilarious commentary
- Making plans for a coffee date with someone I haven't seen in almost a year
- Talking about Comic-Con
- Dark parking lots and skies full of stars

Dear Blog:

2009-06-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

I love it when things aren't awkward, no matter how much I think I've screwed things up. I also love tight hugs goodbye, and getting people hooked on Firefly.

I love it when my sentences rhyme.

I have the most epic sunburns ever. But they hurt. A lot. Summer has officially begun.

I went to a really amazing concert on Saturday. I think some part of my brain still hasn't fully processed this.

I have been really busy, and I'm exhausted. It definitely doesn't feel like 10:45 pm to me; more like 3:00 am.

So I'm going to listen to Jim Dale read a little from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and then go to sleep.

Goodnight, world.

P.S. Up was good and definitely made me cry more than once. Go see it if you haven't already.

Facts about Me

2009-06-15T00:07:00.000-07:00

Fact: I romanticize things. People. Places. People. Memories. People. Moments. People. All airbrushed beautiful in my mind.
Related Fact: The longer I go without seeing you, the more beautiful I remember you.
Related Fact: I made a mistake.
Related Fact: Reality sucks. A lot.
Related Fact: There's someone I need to call back and hang out with this week. I really don't want to do either.

Conclusion: I'm so insanely stupid.

Congratulations

2009-06-11T21:47:00.000-07:00

My little sister graduated high school today.

I'm all teary-eyed just typing that up.

Growing up, my sister and I never really had the best of relationships. I'd bully her, and she'd retaliate; it was more often than not a tumultuous whirlwind of pulled hair and name calling and crescent-shaped scars where nails dug into skin. But for every shouting match, there were two more instances of laughing about the stupidest things, or playing with Hot Wheels and Legos, or constructing a fort of pillows and blankets and stuffed bears in the narrow space that separated the twin beds in our shared room.

Our home-life has never been the best, and as middle child, my sister often bore the brunt of that. She's getting help now, for which I am so grateful, but I can't help but wonder sometimes about what would have happened if I had tried harder, if I had been a better sister and stuck up for her more, called my parents out for playing favorites. I know it's not my fault, but sometimes I can't help but feel that it is. I look at her arms, all riddled with pink scars and I can't help but feel that each one is a result of something I could have prevented.

Growing up was tough, needless to say. But as we got older, we've also gotten much closer. I also find it a mark of irony that, just like me two years ago, she didn't even know if she was going to end up graduating.

But she made it! And I am so happy and proud and relieved and a bunch of other things I can't even describe right now.

I'm also bawling my eyes out.

I don't even know if she'll ever read this. But I'm gonna say this anyway:

Jessica, I love you so much and I'm so glad you're my sister. Kick some ass and take names in college and beyond.

I hope I am never a cactus

2009-06-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

Cassandra (5:59:36 PM): I just had a really random thought

Cassandra (5:59:53 PM): how do cacti hug without hurting each other?

May (6:00:30 PM): hahahah

May (6:00:41 PM): they don't! they have a super duper depressing life

May (6:00:48 PM): and have no physical contact with anybody else in the world

May (6:00:56 PM): because every time they get too close to someone, they hurt them

Cassandra (6:02:03 PM): that's so sad.

4:43 AM

2009-06-03T04:43:00.000-07:00

Too-early or too-late
but I am awake all the same
nothing but a ghost connected to millions
and yet, no one at all.
I read about sexual preference while one song loops endlessly
and note with relief that I am not alone
in my loneliness.
And I think about those across the country
who must be waking up, shedding dreams,
when I have not even begun.

A lovely song <3

2009-06-02T00:51:00.000-07:00

Let me go, boys, let me go
Push my boat from the highest cliff to the sea below
Rocks are waiting, boys, rocks await
Swoop down from the sky and catch me like a bird of prey

Now my feet won't touch the ground
Now my head won't stop
You wait a lifetime to be found
Now my feet won't touch the ground

Singing now my feet won't touch the ground
Now my head won't stop
You wait a lifetime to be found
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Now my feet won't touch the ground

- Coldplay

Summer plans?

2009-05-27T16:01:00.000-07:00

I realize most of my posts recently have been all ambiguous and depressing. I should be happier now that summer is here, and I am, truly, but sometimes when I'm sitting all alone in the near-dark of my room, computer close because all my friends live in it, my mind ferrets off into a sad place full of lost memories and tangible regret. But only sometimes. :)

Morgan posted about last year and I have to say that I agree with a lot of what she says. I'm a very different person from who I was a year ago, and yet very much the same. And now that summer is once again upon me, I have no idea how to top last year. Texas was unexpectedly fun; and of course there's the cruise in Alaska and the week in Washington. Not to mention the outings to the beach, and getting sunburned three times too many. There are too many good things about last summer, and the only thing I can really think about is how can I make this summer stand out? There's three free concerts to look forward to, and I'll be watching far, far too much good television. But what aside from that? It makes me want to go and do something, go somewhere, spontaneously and without much planning and foresight, just to see what happens. It makes me want to meet new people, form new relationships, hell, maybe even a summer fling? I have no idea, really. I'm restless. But in a good way.

Anyway. Just some rambling. Thanks for sticking with me. Now I'm going to watch some Veronica Mars, which you should also watch because it's really good. :D

For her:

2009-05-25T00:42:00.000-07:00

My God. I miss you so much my heart aches a little.

I really messed things up, didn't I.

Perhaps that is why.

stars

2009-05-20T21:51:00.000-07:00

If I could, I'd lay with my back against some lonely asphalt highway, car silent, staring up at the constellations that would bleed into the velvet of the dark mountain sky. I'd listen to this song on endless repeat until I grew tired of it or it lulled me to sleep, thinking and dreaming about everything and nothing and those spots in between. Far, far away, a couple would be having sex, hoping roommates can't hear them; while I would make love with my eyes to the stars, content in my aloneness, tangible and tasteless like water--but only just this once.

I am tired of lying.

Steps

2009-05-17T02:43:00.000-07:00

1) Life is unfair and kicks you around like a fuckin hacky-sack
2) Suck it up
3) Move on.

A fortune cookie said this: "You deserve respect and will get it."

Yeah. We'll see.

"Thursday" or "lonely owl-night" or "Owl Eye Echoes"

2009-05-14T22:54:00.000-07:00

There is an owl in my neighborhood.
I can hear him as I sit here,
grasping the air that I didn't realize I needed.
He screeches, echoing in the suburban waffle-work,
stopping and starting like the frogs, like the crickets never do;
like a telegram.
Come outside. Stop. I miss you. Stop.
And I lay back on the cement, heedless of spiders,
watching the rotation of the earth reflected in the stars.

(thanks to the lovely Summermoon for the second title)

Storytime

2009-05-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

Cuileann did this first, as she usually tends to do. :)

I went to a pretty conservative, small, private Baptist school from kindergarten til fourth grade. This in no way reflects my religious associations, it was just close and they'd have me as a student. I had missed the cutoff for the nearby public school, and my parents didn't want me to wait another year (because I am a genius, duh. :P), so they enrolled me.

Fast forward a few years to grade three. I was a terror for most of my pre high-school career, and by that I mean I was one of the merciless kids who'd give you the cold shoulder and laugh with the popular crowd. And since I went to such a small school, me and my best friend pretty much were the popular crowd at the time. But anyway.

So it's lunchtime and this doofy boy named Nicholas is sitting at our table, drinking a soda. He gets up and leaves for a bit, and myself and my best friend, Sarah, sit and observe in various degrees of horror and amusement as a bee comes flying over to our table to sample the soda, subsequently falling into the open can. Nicholas comes back, and before we could say anything (not that we were going to), he takes a long, deep drink from the soda can. The two of us sitting there, eyes wide and trying not to laugh outright, observe as he gulps, and then merely coughs twice.

To this day, I cannot for the life of me explain it.

Your turn. :)

Star Trek "review"

2009-05-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

This is probably the briefest review you'll ever read and it consists of 4 words:

Go. See. This. Movie.

Ha. No, but seriously, you really should. Even if you know absolutely nothing about Star Trek. This movie is definitely n00b friendly. Well-written, directed, and cast. Also, Zachary Quinto as Spock is kinda hot. >.> All in all an excellent movie, and well-worth your time.

My one qualm: 300 years into the future and we're still listening to The Beastie Boys? Come on now...

P.S. See it in IMAX!

Grarrarrar...

2009-05-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

May and I arrived at the theater two hours early, stood in line in the beautiful, yet baking-hot SoCal sunshine..... and didn't get in. Seriously, much disappointment. We were roughly 20 people away from getting in, and.... bah.

I still think I'll do the movie review for Star Trek after I see it, but it'll have none of the subtle, snooty pretentiousness of those whose author has seen the movie before the greater public has. ;) But one day.......

An Amusing Conversation

2009-05-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sick. Apparently with "Swine Cold" (thanks, Matt. xD). Anyway, here's a bit from a texting conversation between Maya and I this morning:

Maya - You're gonna dieeeeeee.
Me - Bahaha. Thanks. It's like Oregon Trail: Cassandra has died of Swine Flu.
Maya - Man, we need to make that. It'll be the modern day Oregon Trail.
Me - "The American Media": navigate the tricky waters of pandemic, hysteria, bias, and public opinion; fight against The Lemming Effect; try your hand at surviving The Internet; your goal: make it to the harbor of Sanity, Respectability, and Common Sense in tact!

Now, I know it's super tongue-in-cheek, but come on. So true.

So that's my witty quote for the day.

In other news: I'm totally going to see STAR TREK tonight with May. Well, I mean, it's first-come, first-served and not 100% guaranteed, but we're showing up two hours early, so we'd better get seats, or else.

Movie review forthcoming.

A poem, posted after playing too much Oregon Trail

2009-04-30T00:41:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: the f-word and unpleasant subject matter are lurking.

"Alannah"

Once, I swore
to myself and my mother
that I would never end up
like you.
No repeats of three years ago,
the blasts that very nearly
brought blood-bonds to
shards, sharp glass slicing
the metaphorical hands that fed.
Community college drop out,
no ziplock bags of cloy-smelling weed
for prying younger cousins to find.
I wonder now how much you paid,
gone in an instant when we
threw it away.
I blame you for my fear of sex.
Beautiful, unwanted child carried to full-term,
swollen belly sequined and white.

No. I wouldn't. Couldn't.

But last month I ran away,
only for the night,
to get the fuck out--
and I thought of you,
realized that my decisions
were well on their way
to echoing yours.

A trail of thoughts, like breadcrumbs

2009-04-24T02:10:00.000-07:00

A confession: On Wednesday I did something really stupid.

Today I realize that living life is just a matter of staying standing even when you want to curl up into a tiny ball and cry and wait til everything goes away. But it won't. And sometimes you indulge in getting into that fetal position, wishing things back to how they were, but it eventually passes and you stand up, brush yourself off, and go on. Because that's what humans do. And maybe we're stupid and stubborn, but you kind of have to admire it.

I also realize that I want to help anyone in anyway I can. But that I can't most of the time, and it frustrates and saddens me.

I'm also quite addicted to this song, so you should listen to it because it is pretty:

Brag brag brag. :D

2009-04-21T16:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was feeling pretty crappy, just sitting in the library that is a giant concrete box of echoes. So I blogged about it. And then I had a meeting with my poetry professor to go over my poetry portfolio, and it was awesome because of this:

In 20 years of teaching this class, I must say you are one of the best (easily in the top 5%). Let me know if you want a letter of rec. for a teaching assistantship. That is the poetry professor in me speaking. The lit professor in me says your brutal honesty will take you to some deep areas of compassion for self and others if you refuse to look away when the intensity gets too bright.

And this:

In some of your poems, like this one, there is an amazing haunting voice. I encourage you to send your best out for publication if you want.

Awwwwww, yeah. 'Kay, done bragging. ^_^

I know I said "pretty well" but this is what I meant

2009-04-20T19:47:00.000-07:00

I find myself feeling despondent, nostalgic, and otherwise unmotivated recently. As you can imagine, it sucks. I can't afford to feel like this right now, and I shouldn't, but... meh. Even my writing's suffering. I haven't written in earnest in a while. It feels like I'm atrophying, creatively, socially, intellectually. It's not a good feeling. Especially with an application and a creative portfolio due soon to the school I'm hoping to transfer to. I don't even know if I am going to. Then where does that leave me? Still here. I don't want to be here. There's just too much here, both amazing and awful. Too many memories and habits. Too many familiarities. I'm all for familiarity, but I'm getting bored and complacent and so, so tired. I want out.

I'm not about to delude myself into over-romaticizing leaving San Diego. I know whatever problems I have to deal with, whatever internal processes I have, those come with me. It's not a miraculous tabula rasa; those are over-rated anyway. But a change of scenery, a change of pace, new people... I don't know. Maybe I am over-romanticizing.

I feel stuck.

But change is scary. Yeah, I know that. It really, really is. Why affect the status quo when you're nicely settled, especially if you don't have to? Why, indeed. That's something else I'm struggling with right now, and sometimes it scares me to death. I have a hard time falling asleep because my brain keeps tossing around solutions and loopholes and caveats to a deceptively simple problem. Guh. I hate relationships, romantic and otherwise. At least, I do right now. People are so complicated. So much hangs on the line.

Ugh. Sorry about the ranty. I just needed to get that out somewhere. Here is a pretty picture for your trouble. :)

I miss this.

2009-04-15T23:45:00.000-07:00

Letters I'll Never Send - #2

2009-04-14T17:11:00.000-07:00

(I'm not sure how I feel about this being my 200th post, but there you have it. This is the edited version of an actual hand-written letter I wrote earlier today.)

Dear T.,

I'm pretty sure you don't read this thing, so here I am posting it. Just like I'm pretty sure the first copy won't find its way into your mailbox. I've forgotten your address for the time being, anyway, though I'm sure I have it somewhere.

I suppose I could be writing to the people behind the card and letter I've received over the past week, but this is more important to me right now.

I miss you.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. It disappoints me that we don't talk as much as we once did, or even could. To be entirely honest with you, which is my aim, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that something will slip out in conversation, and then it will be too late to erase, or go back, or even to think things through one last time. I could say to forget about it, but that doesn't mean you will. I know I wouldn't.

I'm also afraid of the ramifications. I know we're not as close as we used to be, but our friendship is still important to me. The memory of it all... well, I wouldn't be able to handle it if everything fell apart because of me.

So I'm writing this letter. I thought about going back and writing it in the notebooks, but that didn't seem like such a good idea after all. No sense in disturbing the past with the burdens of the present.

Though I suspect, in hindsight, that what I'm mulling over in my head is tied into the past just as much as it belongs to the now. I remember things we said, did, things we wrote. I told you everything, or very nearly. You were mine.

And then you weren't.

Back then, I never figured myself a jealous person. It's almost amusing, how wrong I was at the time.

But then again, what did I know about anything, prepossessing high schooler that I was?

So we drifted, but I carried on. I had other things to worry about--that year was hell. I trust you remember. And then it was finally over, and we drifted apart even more, though this time due to circumstances beyond our control. At least, that's what I tell myself.

Then something changed, another link in a long chain of events. Funny how it works out that way.

I've changed. You've changed, I can tell when we talk. Not very much, but it's there all the same.

So I find myself in a bit of a predicament. Okay, a big predicament, though one I'm used to, so that's a good thing. Even if it doesn't make it any less annoying or pressing.

I'm not sure what it is that I want to do.

I'm not sure if I want to just leave things the way they were, or if I should press forward. Or if I should stay in this limbo, hoping it goes away. Though I've been reminded recently that it rarely goes away, whatever the problem happens to be. It rarely goes away if I pretend everything is fine. It only gets worse.

I'm over-thinking this, aren't I? Well, you know me... It's a bad habit.

Anyway, I better end this here before I start rambling again. I hope you're doing well.

Love always,
L.

I Freaking Love This Poem So Much

2009-04-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

My first exposure to this poem was hearing it performed by the poet herself while attending a spoken-word poetry event last month. Her performance was so incredible that I went and looked her up online when I got home that night. (Here's her MySpace, if you are so inclined.)

Anyway, I have far too many tabs open on my web browser, and the poem was one of them, so I wanted to post it someplace where I would not lose it, and also to share with all of you. :)

Wings by Megan Rickman

I used to wear wings
Painted feathers into existence
Silver tipped freedom
Stretched past fingertips

I used to know how to fly

Would wrap galaxies round my midsection
Leave footprints cross clouds
I whispered love songs to the wind
And taught stars how to shine

I used to sleep next to God

He'd match his breathing to my magic
Steal dreams from my slumber

He'll tell you I inspired the oceans
That tides mimic the rise and fall of my chest
River's currents chase paths through my veins and back
Hurricane's rain is the direct result of heart racing
Cicadas copied their cadence from my rhythm

My Rhythm,
Taught trees how to sway

And when I'd speak

When I'd speak you could hear the silence of atoms splitting
Because the Universe knew when it should be listening
I was always listening to the world
But one day Silent Screams drew me too close to the surface
And Life, Plucked me right out of the sky

The scrapes and burns I earned upon collision with surface
Barely scratched the surface of the pain intended for me

Life, Never let me leave the ground after that

And Wings,
Wings are far too heavy when not in flight
Plus burdens flocked to my shoulders
My shoulders developed a distinct hunch
Which forced my head to hang forward

They'll tell you that's the first day a willow wept

And that flowers grew taller
Hoping to catch my new line of vision
But my vision reflected skin much paler than I remembered
And I could not remember what it felt like to be beautiful

Before life Mona Lisa'd my smile
And chiseled all the laughter from my face

I can not face the mirror
Because I always tumble through
And there are demons waiting on the other side that will devour me
If I still believed in God I'd pray for mortality
But my divinity was stripped from me
Decades Ago

I distinctly remember the first feather falling

Blood Red on its tip
Tattooed Victim in my white skin
Circled my feet and painted me Target

Wind whistled through emaciated wings
Whispering "Baby Girl it will only get harder.
No one will ever love you,
Not then
And Not now"

Doubt spread through me like malignant cancer
The permanent lump in throat should of served as warning
But it had been there so long I forgot it wasn't normal

That morning feathers encircled my head like a halo

Taunting "Fallen Down Angel,
Just give up,
No one will blame you"

I realized I'd grown too weary of cumulonimbus dreams
So, I amputated wings
Stretched out impotent flesh and bone
And bled more than Miscarried children

Children Please,

Take better care of your wings
Paint feathers into existence
Silver tipped freedom
Lies at your fingertips

But don't ask me for lessons

Cause I do not remember how to fly

I love San Diego

2009-04-11T23:56:00.000-07:00

Some pictures from my afternoon. :)

Baptism, Take Two

2009-04-10T16:48:00.000-07:00

(oh, hey, and read this poem, it's fantastic. go on... what are you waiting for?)

Today, I stood in the cold Spring rain; barefoot, glasses off, hair down in a tangled mess of not-caring. I breathed deeply as each stinging drop touched me, soaked my sagging jeans and old white t-shirt, my hair, my skin. I had no purpose except to be wet, to be outside, to watch the swirling grey mass of the clouds as they blurred in my imperfect vision. I had no purpose, but the longer I stood there pummeled by the rain I was swept away. Now, I have something, transient perhaps, gone in a hour, or several. But I remember the taste of it as the water brushed my lifted face, washed it away.

I can't remember the last time I've ever felt this pure.

Letters I'll Never Send - #1 (gmail chat edition)

2009-04-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Long time no talk.

I don't even remember what you look like. Not really. Just the idealized version my brain cooked up years ago.

I think it's interesting that in my boredom, I decided to say hello; even more interesting that, though I've been over you for a while, my heart still hammered as I contemplated typing those two letters and pressing 'Enter', even more so as I did exactly that.

Old habits die hard, I guess.

I've grown accustomed to seeing your name in the sidebar, though sometimes, it still shocks me.

I hear nothing but my music. I don't expect you to respond.

I'm wondering about your life. How college is treating you. If you're still majoring in music. If it's true that you've joined the Marines.

Pacifist though I am, I'm a sucker for uniform.

I think about the dream I had at the end of last year, the one with the fire, and the long car ride. How you were there, but intangible. I could sense you; you'd appear, fleeting. I think about the first, two Decembers before.

After a while, the dreams bleed into each other. A while more, and they start to fade.

It's funny that so much of my personal happiness, my very sanity hinged on you when I don't even know if you really acknowledged my existence. It's funny that I even considered you for an option.

I wonder if I'm doomed to keep to this pattern, like so many times before you.

I pause in my writing and wondering to check; you're gone.

Silence. I knew you wouldn't respond.

I'm pretty sure I never wanted you to.

I'm a bit of a fangirl

2009-04-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

But don't be too alarmed.

Anyway, this is from one of the most epic episodes of television I've ever seen:

Buffy: One of these days, I'm just gonna put you two in a room and let you rassle it out.
Spike: No problem at this end.
Buffy (warming up to it): There could maybe be oil of some kind involved...

I like the way you think, Buffy. I really, really do. ;)

Some things that Happened

2009-03-28T01:32:00.000-07:00

I seem to be attached to lists lately, so I'll list some things that happened to me this week with no context at all and in no particular order to both intrigue and amuse you.

- I was indirectly called a crappy friend
- I then had that notion corrected
- I conspired and helped envision a dead girl named Anahi
- I aced a test I surely thought I would fail
- I doubted and then fell even more in love with a TV show
- I found myself in the lobby of an optometrist for an hour
- I found myself in the lobby of a mental hospital for an hour
- I ~~pirated~~ obtained lots of music completely legally
- I folded a friend's laundry
- I woke up not knowing where I was
- I ran away
- I learned about responsibility and family
- I dreamt about giant spiders
- I laughed, cried, disdained, and loved

I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I should go to sleep.

Happiness is... (a summary of my weekend)

2009-03-22T15:32:00.000-07:00

- Springtime
- Peace
- Gift cards to Borders
- Getting the ending you needed, not the one you wanted
- Gmail conversations with Cuil
- Being with friends
- Laughing so hard it hurts
- Music
- Not being able to comprehend awkwardness
- Waking up to pouring rain
- Poetry
- Pajamas
- Reviews from ffnet in my inbox
- Joss Whedon back on television
- Cookies
- Discovering that you are the inspiration for something beautiful

Four Months Later

2009-03-20T23:36:00.001-07:00

So, I'm not about to pretend that I have any clue whatsoever how to write a review for a TV show, movie, book, anything. That's not what this is about. This is about what I just witnessed, and how I feel about it. This can be summed up in three simple words:

Oh my gods.

For those of you unaware, tonight was the airing of the last episode of Battlestar Galactica. Ever. That's it. No more.

Having just been exposed to the series this past November (O.o), I have no idea what it must have been like to wait and follow this series and the characters for 4 years. I have no idea how magnificent these last two hours must have felt after so long. But I do know how magnificent these last two hours felt to me, after whirl-wind watching practically the whole frakkin' thing over Winter Break. (Seriously. It was nuts.)

So. Much. Pay off.

I have no idea how anyone goes about writing something like that. I just don't. As a writer, it blows my mind. As a viewer, it blows my mind.

I think you'd have to be a vegetable to not have your mind blown. And even then, it's a bit iffy.

I got chills so many times. I almost cried twice. (I usually don't cry when watching something. Two episodes of Buffy are the exception when it comes to TV.) I can't count how many times I brought my hands to my mouth in anticipation or nervous excitement or elation or sorrow or shock.

It's great writing, great acting, great directing. Great music. Great everything. It's great entertainment. It's relevant social and political commentary. It's life-altering. It's fantastic.

It's genius.

So say we all.

"What've you got in that bag?! Bricks??"

2009-03-18T18:31:00.000-07:00

Cuileann did this first, so I'm copying her. Plus, I needed an excuse to clean out my purse. ^_^

I suppose the theory behind this is to get a glimpse into a person's everyday life by rifling through the contents of their purse/man bag/pockets/marsupial pouch/whatever. So, since you can't do that, I did the rifling for you.

(check out that new carpet! awwwwwww, yeah.)

Contents:
- wallet
- keys (pocket knife attached)
- cell phone
- iPod and headphones
- mirror and little pouch it comes in
- Chap Stick
- obnoxiously bright red lipstick
- water bottle
- lighter (for Rocky Horror outings)
- pen
- guitar pick
- a penny
- a button
- bobby pins
- movie ticket stub (Dark Knight in imax, baby)
- program and ticket stub from the Assassins stage reading Monday night (which was phenomenal)
- random blue raffle tickets
- flier for ladies' open mic night
- coupon for First Aid classes

I also carry around my camera and some (ahem) feminine necessities, but it's hard to take a picture of your camera, and I didn't photograph the other stuff because... well, duh. Awkward.

Find you a Scottish man

2009-03-18T02:05:00.001-07:00

Okay, an actual post will be forthcoming. Amusing conversations just keep happening.....

Maya (1:57:43 AM): oh yeah, i have to find you a scottish man

Maya (1:57:52 AM): any expectations?

Cassandra (1:58:06 AM): umm, reasonably attractive

Cassandra (1:58:18 AM): musical background preferred

Maya (1:58:41 AM): kilts?

Cassandra (1:58:45 AM): but of course

Cassandra (1:58:52 AM): I thought that was implied xD

Cassandra (1:59:20 AM): I'll be lenient about the attractive bit, s'long has he's got great eyes

Cassandra (1:59:38 AM): and looks good in a kilt

Cassandra (1:59:46 AM): that's not too demanding, is it?

Cassandra (1:59:50 AM): ^_^

Maya (2:00:42 AM): hahahahaha

Maya (2:00:51 AM): i'll do my best ^^

Cassandra (2:01:04 AM): send me a pic before you kidnap him

Cassandra (2:01:18 AM): you and I sometimes differ in the 'attractive' department

Cassandra (2:01:20 AM): xD

Maya (2:01:30 AM): only with girls ^^

Cassandra (2:01:37 AM): hahahahahahahahahaha

Beware...

2009-03-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Ides of March.

Happy Pi Day!

2009-03-14T01:59:00.000-07:00

I should be at Rocky Horror right now. But, you know.... don't care now. How I spent my evening was much nicer.

...Though I'm still pretty pissed about the 4-day passes to ComicCon being sold out. Meh.

Anyway, I think in honor of Pi Day, I'm going to watch some Pushing Daisies at some point. :D

Why was this guy born?

2009-03-11T01:48:00.000-07:00

Cassandra (1:27:04 AM): who invented essays?

Maya (1:27:41 AM): ooh, i actually read about this before

Maya (1:27:44 AM): lemme ee

Maya (1:27:46 AM): *see

Maya (1:28:32 AM): michel de montaigne

Maya (1:28:50 AM): its name comes from the french word essayer, which means to try

Cassandra (1:29:31 AM): frak him

Cassandra (1:29:35 AM): I hope he's in hell

Maya (1:31:20 AM): hahahaha

Pedestals

2009-03-04T01:04:00.000-08:00

I think it's pretty easy to idealize people. Maybe even putting them up on a mental, moral, or emotional pedestal. I know I do it, maybe not to the extent of hero worship that happens sometimes, but I definitely idealize people more than I should, and more than I even realize sometimes.

So, when that view is contradicted in some way, I think it's necessary to be aware of that pedestal, and remove said person from it instead of burying oneself deeper into disillusion. Because this other person you are idealizing is only human, just like yourself. And it's really not fair to be idealizing people, because then you are not being fully honest in dealing with them, or yourself for that matter.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when said contradiction happens, it's shocking, but also somewhat refreshing, at least to me. It puts a new spin on things, and I realize that I haven't been exactly fair in how I view them. And then comes the necessary, though difficult task of changing that perception to better fit reality.

Wish me luck.

A Prose-Poem

2009-03-01T23:57:00.000-08:00

(To be honest, the term used to confuse me. After finishing this, I'm rather enamored with the form.)

"Sunday Afternoon, 4:23 pm."

I drove to the beach by myself today, just to prove that I could, to see if the freedom I felt was really truth or fiction. Because, frankly, I'm getting sick of it dangling in my face, waiting, anticipation mirrored in a solitary breath til I could reach--but my fingers would only brush smoke, and I'd rock back on my knees and cry til I'm laughing.

I imagined what you would smell like, wondered if it would be anything like this, the scent of salt and sand and creatures living and thriving and rotting, all at once. Wondered if the touch of you on my face would be as warm and smooth as the breeze I breathed.

Wondered if the glare of reality would hurt like the sun on the waves, or harsher.

To-do list

2009-02-27T00:00:00.000-08:00

- survive this month, or until Spring Break (April 3!)
- don't go insane (entirely possible)
- fill out FAFSA form (ugh)
- apply to UMF (Maine or bust!)
- find a job (guh)
- find and read a copy of Watchmen (before March 6th?)
- finish Buffy and Angel before summer (May 22!)
- other stuff I am forgetting (it happens.)

I also seriously think I need to get away from the internet for a week.

Celebrity Girl Crushes

2009-02-26T14:45:00.000-08:00

We women are goregous creatures. We just are. Deal with it.

That said, here are my Top 8 Girl Crushes of Hollywood, complete with pictures for your enjoyment. :D

8. Felicia Day. You probably know her from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog (if you don't, fix that now), but her other credits include appearances on Buffy the Vampire Slayer as well as writing for, producing, and starring in the web series The Guild. And she's adorable. Look at that.

7. Katee Sackhoff. I first got acquainted with Katee via her role as Kara 'Starbuck' Thrace on Battlestar Galactica (pictured above). Not only is she gorgeous (not convinced? click here), she can also kick your ass. What more can you ask for?

6. Jewel Staite. I love love love love her in Firefly and Serenity. Just... endless amounts of love. She's just so adorably beautiful. I don't understand it.

5. Eliza Dushku. You may know her as Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but if you're not watching Dollhouse (9pm, Fridays on FOX), you need to start. Aside from it being more Joss Whedon, Eliza stars as Echo, the main "doll" or Active that the show follows. Two episodes in, I'm getting the feeling that each week we get to see Eliza tackle a brand new role as her character acquires new memories, skills, and even a unique personality required to complete different "Engagements", which is pretty neat, if you ask me. Plus, she's so pretty. (Catch up on Dollhouse here.)

4. Grace Park. Yet another regular on Battlestar Galactica. (Hey, it's a good show.) I'm not sure what it is about her, but every time I look at her, she just draws me in.

3. Amy Adams. Honestly, need I say more?

2. Tina Fey. I love Tina Fey. She's beautiful, hysterically funny, and a genius. There's seriously very little that is more sexy than an intelligent woman who can write, friends. ;) (And yes, I know. I need to start watching 30 Rock.)

1. Alyson Hannigan. I absolutely adore Alyson Hannigan. Not only is she insanely attractive (click here to see another picture I found), she's quite possibly my favorite actress out there for the moment. I have yet to see her on How I Met Your Mother--it's on my list, though. Trust me. I'll get there--but what I've seen so far of her work on Buffy (currently finishing up Season Six), she just keeps getting progressively more awesome. Love it!

Well, folks, there you have it. Not only do you now know my girl crushes, you probably noticed that I overuse parenthetical asides, and that I'm a little addicted to hyperlinks.

I'd also consider doing one of these featuring male celebrities I find attractive, but that list would probably be at least twice as long as this one, and it'd take me forever to decide who makes the cut.

...But you never know. ;)

A Change of Scenery

2009-02-25T10:45:00.000-08:00

I must confess that I've gotten super bored with the layout of my blog, so over the next couple of days I'll be trying out new templates. I'm also not very good at html, so my apologies if you happen to drop by and it's really, really funky.

My pets need to stop dying, and other interesting statements

2009-02-22T01:02:00.000-08:00

In the span of a little over a month, I have lost three goldfish (River, Kaylee, and Simon) and a dog (Sandi). The goldfish were only mildly disappointing, but Sandi... well, we've had her for a long time. So she was old, it was just... very unexpected. I just hope it was painless, poor thing. -sigh- Rest in peace, darling.

Long story short, my pets need to stop dying.

I have a week to finish my transfer app for Chapman. Whoever invented the Common App should be shot, is all I have to say about that.

I also have a short story due on Tuesday, and I still have no idea what to write about. It's kind of awful. But I think I work best under pressure when it comes to school assignments and things, so I'm hoping for something good in the twilight moments before my class on Tuesday. And by twilight moments, I mean Sunday and Monday. I'm not that crazy.

Lastly, I think I've stumbled upon something of an epiphany. Not anything huge, and I suppose it's pretty obvious, but sometimes it's the obvious things that are hardest to strike at.

"I honestly don't know why I feel such an obligation to make others happy, even people like E*** and B**** who are just so draining to talk to, but I'm trying. I suppose it's a whole work in progress thing. Start small and all. And I think a part of it with [my sister] is that I feel so helpless because I can't do anything, and it's eating me up. I generally don't appreciate feeling helpless, you know? But I guess it's just a matter of accepting things for how they are, and not trying to change them so desperately. Like beating your head against a wall hoping it moves at some point, I suppose. It's just kinda pointless in the long run and it hurts you really bad." - from an email I wrote to Morgan.

Like I said, obvious, but still pretty impressive, if I do say so myself.

Well, that's about it for this post. Hopefully, if all goes according to plan, the next post shall be much more entertaining. I just want to see how Maya pulls hers off, first. ^_^

Appearing for the first time in publication, it's...

2009-02-19T14:52:00.000-08:00

(Courtesy of Gretchen. Make your own superhero HERE!)

Mwahaha. You know, she looks more like a villain than a superhero, but that's fine by me. Except the name almost sounds like Chingrish. Rather intimidating, though. Just look at all that spandex.

Random facts of the day, brought to you by Maya texting me from Borders whilst reading this book:
- In Alaska, you can't push a live moose from an airplane.
- In Arkansas, it's illegal to pronounce 'Ar-kan-sas'.
- You will break the law in Connecticut when your bicycle reaches speeds in excess of 65 mph.
- You can't tie a giraffe to a lampost in Georgia.
- Kansas condemns the use of ice cream on cherry pie, whale hunting, snowball fights, and screaming at haunted houses.
- In Mississippi, it is illegal to teach others the meaning of polygamy.

It's ridiculous laws like these that make me want to take a road trip across the country with the sole intention of breaking them.

Wonder

2009-02-17T01:42:00.001-08:00

I wonder about lots of things. Little things. Like why I still wear this pair of jeans despite the fact that they are broken (long story). I wonder why I haven't been writing much lately. I wonder what the title of this song is. I wonder about crickets, and what they do in a rainstorm. I wonder why I adore foreign accents so much.

I wonder if it is considered rude and bitchy to simply ignore someone who has attempted to contact you via Instant Message.

Thoughts?

"Scar"

2009-02-10T01:50:00.000-08:00

I am forgettable.
Easily spotted, not-so-easy
to explain away.
There is laughter there
where pain was--
is.
I remind you
of your childhood.
Of dresses flirting with knees
Of games played in bathrooms,
echoing caverns
where no one hears you scream.
There is no blood
Only bone
Bypassing the heart
as iron connects
and strikes instead at the skeleton of things.

Oddities

2009-02-08T23:40:00.000-08:00

Odd quote of the day: "Do you believe in dinosaurs?"

Odd (but laugh-out-loud awesome) idea of the day: social experiments via Facebook status.

....and, this conversation:

Maya: dude, i feel like everyone's getting old

Cassandra: ??

Maya: just looking at the birthdays on stalkerbook

Maya: everyone's turning 20

Cassandra: I KNOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW

Cassandra: it's disgusting. x.x

Maya: how is that even possible?

Maya: it's... 20

Maya: TWENTY

Cassandra: -cries-

Cassandra: two decades

Maya: omgsoold

Cassandra: there is no way to express the onomatopoeia that is slowly building in my throat

Maya: a weird, strangled scream?

Cassandra: yes. o.o

Cassandra: how did you know?

Maya: i'm awesome, remember?

Cassandra: bahahaha

Cassandra: crazy psychic torturer

Cassandra: ....oh shite.

Maya: what, do you think i'm gonna start torturing you again? ^^

Cassandra: psychic is never a good thing

Cassandra: you and your twisted insight into my twisted thoughts

Maya: or maybe that's just because you're my bff?

Maya: after rasputin, that is

Maya: mwahahahaha

Cassandra: OHGODMINDRAPE

Maya: this is awesome

Today

2009-02-04T22:41:00.000-08:00

Today, I woke up and went to class.

Today, I skipped another one of my classes that I shouldn't have.

Today, I learned about the earth, moon, and stars.

Today, I snapped at people I shouldn't have.

Today, I watched way too much good television.

Today, I talked to good people. Great people. People I love very much.

Today I said some things about myself that I'm not sure I meant.

I buried things that I don't want to face.

I lied.

I let myself break down and cry. Again.

Today I figured out that I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm scared.

Tired.

2009-02-03T17:05:00.000-08:00

My eyes feel like they are bruised and have permanent bags under them. No, I'm not going to check in a mirror to see if this feeling is accurate.

Yesterday was rough for the reasons that I was super tired and have bad luck. And the fact that it was Monday, and my schedule on Mondays just plain sucks. I also came to the stunning realization that I freak out if I don't have my phone on me (I left it at home, which did nothing for me but make me even more miserable and on edge), which I think is somewhat pathetic. I should probably fix this, but I don't really I want to.

It was just one of those days that makes me want to live in my room and sleep all day instead of dealing with life. I even skipped my first two classes (the first one because I was late getting to school, the second just because). It reminded me of one day last February where I sat in the library at Miramar and read Cut and then walked around outside in the cold and came close to crying until it was time to go home instead of going to my classes. (I also remember that after I got home, I went for a long walk in my neighborhood listening to a few songs on continuous loop on my iPod, and did, in fact, cry a lot for no reason. But luckily, that didn't happen yesterday, though I did come very close on a few occasions in the computer lab.)

And it wasn't even overcast yesterday, like it was on that day last year. It was sunny, and way too hot for February.

I guess the point of my writing all of this is that I'm just sick of feeling so sad and hopeless on some days that I literally don't know what to do with myself. Sure, it goes away eventually, but then what? What happens the next time? And the next? I have little to no control over it, and I don't want it to happen again, but it just seems inevitable, which I hate. A lot.

I'm just... so tired. Of everything. It feels like I'm unraveling, fraying at the edges. Like I'm walking on this tightrope, but every other step I'm in serious danger of just falling off altogether.

And it's days like this that make me want to give up, to just jump off the tightrope and hope there's a safety net waiting beneath me, but at the same time I know that I can't. Because that's taking the easy way out, and nothing truly good ever came from taking the easy way.

At least, that's what I told Jessica last week. And it doesn't hurt to abide by my own advice.

A Decision

2009-01-31T22:34:00.000-08:00

I have a decision to make. It's one of those ones that has a potentially huge impact on your life. I know I need to decide either way, and soon, but the trouble is, part of me doesn't want to. And it's hard to keep this part quiet sometimes. There are so many risks we can take in this life, but I'm not sure if I can take this one, even though I'll most probably be the better for it.

-sigh-

In other news, I got a car today. It's technically not mine, but I'll be the primary driver, so whatever. :)

Post Secret

2009-01-25T22:26:00.000-08:00

This website changed my life. (New secrets every Sunday!)

"January 23, 2009"

2009-01-23T16:04:00.000-08:00

She died today
One year ago.

I remember.

I look back and
can't seem to find
Myself.

But there she is--
and there--
in the quiet scrape of clouds
against sky,

In the blood that stains roses
running down my legs.

In the strength that I never fully knew
til it was too late.

Things were different then.